


A Beautiful Fucking Mess

by IWasAlwaysDead



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Yagami Light Is Not Kira (Death Note), Childhood Trauma, Developing Relationship, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Acceptance, Strangers to Lovers, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28580790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWasAlwaysDead/pseuds/IWasAlwaysDead
Summary: L and Light meet and fall hard for each other, but L has an unusual mental health condition he is afraid to tell Light about. Will L give Light the chance to be the loving and accepting partner he so desperately needs? Or will his secret tear their budding relationship apart?
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 187
Kudos: 114





	1. We Meet, But Do We?

**Author's Note:**

> This disorder hits quite close to home for me. This story is me processing my feelings about it. I think I just needed something fluffy and lighthearted to get through all the ups and downs that comes with the reality of having such a disorder.
> 
> DID is not what the movies portray it to be at all, and it is my hope that this story sheds some light on what it's truly like to have it and what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who has it. It is not easy to talk about, and it is a coping mechanism the brain develops when forced to deal with severe and unrelenting childhood trauma.
> 
> Having said that, this story is meant to be sweet with a happy ending. In that way, it may not be real to life as there are so many people out there who do not accept or understand it. I am choosing to write a positive happy story, because I just can't deal with the alternative at this time.

The banquet hall was dimly lit but inviting still. Décor was gold and off white; almost wedding like with the exception of poor lighting all the way around. The bare windows portrayed a moonless night. Waitstaff bustled quietly about in their black and white attire, offering champagne flutes and finger foods to women who pretended not to eat and men who pretended not to be alcoholics. The saving grace of the place seemed to be the open bar. A rather stunning young man in  a tan suit and slacks was leaning against the granite, ordering a Manhattan, of all things.

“Make that two, please,” L said upon approach, attempting to smile at the slightly taller young man to his right. L might be winning an award tonight, but it wasn’t for his captivating grin. No, he rather sucked at being social and immediately began wondering why he thought he’d try now.

“You’ve got good taste,” the young man said. It was then that he turned to fully face L, and L realized that he wasn’t just attractive. He was stunning. His eyes were the strangest, most stunning gold flecked things he’d ever seen in his life. The smile he offered was sexy as hell and he wasn’t even trying. “Light Yagami.”

L was busy trying to repress the many disgusting thoughts racing through his mind regarding what he wanted to do to this young man when a hand seemed to stretch into his personal space from nowhere.  _ Shake it, you buffoon.  _ It was a very western culture thing to do, and L had almost expected Light to bow, given how his accent and appearance told L he had to be from Japan or somewhere similar. “Dr. L Lawliet,” L replied, his instinct to try and sound impressive because he immediately felt inferior.

“ _ The  _ Dr. L Lawliet?” Light’s eyes widened and an excitement poured over him that was lacking before. “The Dr. L Lawliet who broke the BB murder case wide open? Who single handedly stopped the mass murderer Kira?”

If L’s ghost like skin was capable of producing any type of flush, it was doing it now. “Uh, yup.  So you’ve heard of me?”

“Heard of you!?” Light realized he was being too loud and glanced around. Lowering his voice, he continued, “You are my idol. Your work in Cambodia is what inspired me to get into Forensic Psychology.”

L nodded, realizing the young man before him was a keynote speaker at tonight’s event. “I know who you are. I apologize, it took me a moment. You’ve got quite a reputation yourself. It’s rumored on the street that you’re about to revolutionize the way crime is handled across the globe.”

It was Light’s turn to blush, “Well, I’ll spare the details of that because I’ll be speaking about it for at least an hour tonight.” It was then that the bar tender handed them their drinks. “Here,” Light said, passing one to L, “Why don’t we grab a table? I have so many questions for you.”

L agreed, already smitten with this one impressive Light Yagami. He’d heard and read good things, but never in his wildest dreams did he ever think the guy would be so fucking gorgeous. It was all L could do to keep up with the conversation. His mind kept wandering to what Light looked like under that suit, and whether or not they’d get kicked out if he attempted to find out in the public restroom.

When Light got up to speak, L swore he kept focusing his attention on L as if he were the one his presentation was for. When L got up to receive his award, all he could do was stare at Light as he fumbled through his acceptance speech. A few more drinks later, L was feeling rather bold. Figuring it was now or never because Watari was approaching to take him to the car, L jotted down his cell number and slid it across the table to Light. “I would  _ love  _ to see you again,” he said as he stood and accepted his coat from the old man.

For once in his life, Light was speechless. He looked down at the number, blushed, then nodded with that winning smile L wanted so desperately to kiss off his face. Polite as ever, he stood and shook L’s hand, leaning in to whisper, “I would love that too,” with the most subtle of pecks to L’s cheek.

It was a bold move, and L froze with his hand to his cheek as Light straightened out and laughed under his breath. “It’s getting rather late, sir,” Watari said, breaking the fixation and walking away with a rather red-faced L.

***

Light would waste no time texting L the next morning, inviting him to brunch and promising L he knew just the cure for the hangover he was sure to have. He laid across his hotel room bed and sighed, dreaming of grey eyes and sharp features.

“Light Yagami? Who?” L was confused as he stared at his phone. Turning his head up and toward the open door of his room, L yelled, “Watari! Who is Light Yagami?”

“The young man you were smitten with last night, sir,” came the answer from the other room.

L scratched his head. He didn’t remember the night before very well.  _ That’s what I get for drinking.  _ L quickly did a google search and found that this Light guy was absolutely drop dead gorgeous. How could he forget a face like that? Deciding that it didn’t matter that he didn’t remember him, L would pretend he did so as not to seem rude or odd. It was normal for L to lose time. He was used to it. He also knew other people didn't think it very normal at all.

“I do believe the stress from having to receive an award in front of a crowd of people caused a switch last night, sir,” Watari said as he entered the room with his little cart full of treats and coffee. “You were quite unusually outgoing last night, as I recall.”

“Did I do anything embarrassing?” L asked as he accepted a cup of coffee.

“Not at all, sir. You were surprisingly well behaved,” Watari said, a laugh in his voice.

“Thank you, Watari,” L said, meaning for more than just the coffee. It had been a long, difficult road, but L had come to accept himself with the help of Watari. He couldn’t change it. He could only cope. After many years and two hospitalizations, they finally got the diagnosis they needed to put the puzzle together that was L Lawliet. Dissociative Identity Disorder. Trauma specialists who had a lot of experience with the disorder were not easy to come by. L had the means, however. He often wondered what happened to those who did not.

Pushing those thoughts aside, he smiled as he finished up a text. “No danishes for me this morning. I’m going to brunch!”


	2. Of Whimsy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light have their first date, and first of many other things too...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feedback I have gotten on just the first chapter alone has my head spinning and my heart swelling. Thank you, everyone. You are amazing.

Light was puzzled by how different the cute and famous Dr. Lawliet was this morning compared to the night before.  _ Perhaps he's hungover?  _ Light was feeling a little less than stellar himself and chalked it up to having too much of a good time the night before. “They have the most amazing avocado toast, if you’re into that kind of thing,” Light kindly suggested.

“Oh, I’ll uh, consider it. Thanks,” L responded, despite feeling as though both avocado and toast were two of his least favorite things. Dry, crunchy bread with no flavor and mushy, flavorless green fruit? No thanks. The fruit and yogurt parfait seemed like a healthy enough compromise to him. Since Light seemed health conscious, L didn’t want to show how bad his diet was right off the bat. 

They ordered and awkwardly sat in silence as L glanced down at the table shyly. “Are you uncomfortable? We can leave if you’d like,” Light suggested, not knowing what else to do. The L from last night was so talkative. The L from last night made eye contact and said suggestive things. Who was this man before him today? It certainly was not the same L from last night.

With a shyness that was almost painful, L lifted only his eyes to the beautiful face across the table from him. “If I’m being honest, I would feel much better taking our breakfast to go.”

Without so much as a nod in L’s direction, Light darted up from his seat and walked off to find their server. L watched him go, at first thinking that Light was upset and leaving him at the restaurant. A strange warmth filled his belly as he watched Light pull aside their server and inform her that they needed their order to go. A small smile spread across L’s face; the first one of the  day . Seeing it as he walked back to the table filled Light with a sense of accomplishment, regardless of how small the task was. “It’ll be out soon and we can go. I’ve already paid.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” L continued to smile.

“ Sure I did. I’m the one who invited you out  today. Brunch is on me,” Light replied, all charm and sex and perfection without even trying.

_ Damn you, Light Yagami,  _ L thought as he felt his face heat up just a bit.

The two of them wound up on a nearby park bench as they ate their food from Styrofoam packaging. L thought the parfait delicious and just sweet enough. He’d venture back to that restaurant for more, especially now that it was the  place he and Light had their first date. The empty containers would find their way into a trash bin and the two of them would walk around the park side walk, enjoying the grassy lawn, singing birds, and warm sun peeking through the branches of the many tall pine trees. “Atlanta really is a beautiful city,” Light remarked casually, “I’m here for two more days. Then I fly back to Denver.”

“Oh, is that where you live?” L asked, sparing a glance up at perfection itself.

“For now. I move around a lot for work. I like it. Always a new city to see, new people to meet,” the way he looked at L had L melting inside.

“I see. I fly back to England tomorrow,” L said, the disappointment in his voice unmistakable. “I suppose I could delay my flight a bit. There’s a lot to see in this city anyway. I should make the most of my stay. Would you care to join me?”

“I would love nothing more.”

The two of them continued their walk through the picturesque park, and as Light’s rental car came into view, he felt his opportunity to make a move was closing fast. He stopped quite suddenly, gaining L’s attention. The famous detective looked up him in puzzlement, and Light wondered if it wasn’t often that L was ever puzzled. “I’m not sure how you feel about this, and it’s okay if you say no,  but, I would like to hold your hand if that’s okay.”

“Oh,” L perked up, blushed, smiled, and pulled his left hand from his jeans pocket and offered it to Light.

Light’s hand felt warm and comfortable as their fingers laced. His grip was not too strong, but steady and firm and just right. Everything Light did was just right. L wondered what it was like to be so perfect. Was it as effortless as he made it seem? Did he have to practice at it or was he born having been touched by the gods? 

Upon reaching the car, Light stopped again, this time gently tugging L into his personal space. They faced each other, L so close now that he breathed in Light’s wonderful scent.  _ God, what is that?  _ Surely, this was what all of heaven smelled like. “I’d like to kiss you,” Light whispered.

Five words never sent L’s head spinning quite so fast before. Would such holy lips be tainted once they touched his own? Or would some of the blessing that was Light Yagami be poured out upon L? There wasn’t much time to consider these things as L’s head nodded “yes” while his heart pounded “Oh god!” and his mind raced through all the times he’d had a near miss and now wished he’d been experienced enough to make this good but it was far too late, and...

And...

Oh,  _ my. Oh my, oh my. _ L had never been thoughtless before. Sure, when he was younger and full of  audacity he did occasionally wonder what it was like to be such a complete moron that one might commit a crime and then leave a perfectly set trail of evidence only to deny such proof when caught. Maybe he was arrogant enough to face Kira and all his mass murders and taunt the devil himself to come after him. Sure, L played with death. He toyed with the things of devilry. Never once in his life  did he ever  consider that God might shine down upon him in all his blessed glory and unveil his true nature in the form of a single, solitary kiss.

When it was over, it wasn’t over. His lips tingled and his body relaxed and he wanted more. He wanted everything. He wanted the entirety of the man before him and he wanted it now and he wanted it forever. “Kiss me again,” L whispered. Had he really said those words? It felt like space and time had collided and the world itself was swirling around him in some kind of strange vortex and L didn’t know where he was. Yet he was right here, right now, relishing in the second kiss of his entire life. Yet he wasn’t. Yet he was. It didn’t matter though, because firm yet gentle hands were pressing his body into the one before him and L considered that perhaps he’d died and gone to heaven after all, his many sins forgiven by a benevolent God he never thought to consider until this very moment.

When their lips parted for a second time, L could hear himself say a thing he thought he’d never say. A thing he wouldn’t ever say. “Can we take this to your hotel?”

The fiery eyes and wicked smirk were all L needed in reply to know that it didn’t matter who was asking for hot sex with a stunning stranger. Every alter L had ever had was screaming for it. Perhaps his mind would never fully come together, but the magic that was Light Yagami could at least get his many scattered thoughts in alignment this one time.  _ Yes, take us away. Take us away and do terrible, wonderful things to us. _


	3. Loving Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Watari return home to England.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was very emotional for me to write. These things L is experiencing are so real for me. Please be kind in any critique. This is my heart on the line.

Even beautiful things ended. After a whirlwind affair, L found himself staring out the window of his private jet wishing he could jump.  He didn't want to die or anything;  he just imagined himself falling through the clouds and into Light’s arms like in some cheesy movie. 

“Coffee, sir?”  Watari offered, leaning over slightly from his little silver cart of goodies. 

“Hmm?” It took L’s brain a moment to get back to reality.  “Oh, yes please. Thank you.” 

Depressed or not over the loss of his lover, he wasn't forgoing his afternoon fix. In fact, he decided he might just eat his feelings away. A plate of powdered donuts made an exceptionally good compliment to his coffee. As he munched, he considered the difficult truth of the matter. No man in his right mind would seriously date a man with a split mind. What kind of future was there with someone like him anyway? He certainly wasn’t fit for the things people usually wanted out of life like marriage and a family. L sighed heavily as he stuffed his face. No, he was undoubtedly only good for torrid affairs that were approximately 3 days long.

Watari wanted to help. He knew L was lost in the turmoil of his mind. There was little he could do, however, so Watari packed up his cart and wheeled it to the back of the plane. That Light fellow had been so good for L in the short time they were together. L always returned to his hotel room so happy. It was the happiest Watari had seen him in his entire life. If anyone deserved happiness, it was L. Watari didn’t like to think of the past. He didn’t like to consider the way L came into his life all those years ago. It was the stuff of nightmares. Watari had always looked to the future, to the promise of a bright new day. That had worked for the most part as L was wildly successful in his profession. When it came to his personal life, however, no therapist in the world could make L see his worth and neither could Watari. L seemed to believe his DID was a cross to bear, something that separated him from others and made him a monster to others. If only L would trust someone. If only he would be open about it with someone like Light, who probably would accept his condition with grace and love. The man specialized in abnormal psychology, for crying out loud! Watari shook his head. For as brilliant as L could be it would seem he was also quite blind sometimes.

The two men settled back in at their massive compound in the English countryside. There was much to do and over the next few days Watari met with Roger, who was headmaster of the special school for the gifted they ran on the grounds. Then there was overseeing grounds maintenance and the construction of a new wing as they grew. The orphanage on the south side of the compound needed attention, and Watari’s invention shop had blown up. Again. Not as bad this time but it was still a head ache. All of this required so much attention and yet the old man couldn’t help but worry about L the entire time. As Watari waited on hold with a new contractor to rebuild his workshop, his thoughts drifted to how sad L seemed; how lonely. It wasn’t unusual for L to occupy his thoughts. L was the first of many; the one child who started a project that became what  Wammy was today. He was also easily the most tormented, the most troubled. It had taken a lot of work and worry over the years to get L stable and healthy, and Watari feared that if L didn’t continue moving forward in his pursuit of health and happiness, that he’d fall back into old patterns. 

The east side of the massive compound was where L could be found, resting in his favorite cottage. Sure, there was a mansion in the center of the grounds that was beautiful and massive and impressive. It was where they held parties and welcomed diplomats. It just wasn’t home to L. Home was a winding gravel drive that stretched a mile up a rather large hill and through a canopy of looming trees which blossomed little pink flowers every Spring. Home was ancient stone and arched doorways and hand carved, heavy solid woods doors. Home was hardwood floors that creaked and groaned beneath each step and a staircase so worn with time that you could see the wear in the old wood boards. Home had many windows overlooking rolling countryside and brilliantly lighting the whole interior with every sunrise. It had a magnificent kitchen L could barely use apart from boiling water for tea or brewing coffee. The dining room had a massive table large enough to host a family of at least 6 and yet he sat there alone every morning eating toast and staring into nothing.

And on this morning in particular, he stared into nothing with wet eyes. Silence was something that seemed to echo in this old home, and perhaps he loved it so much because while it boasted of being cozy and loving and warm enough for a family, it was as empty and frigid as he was. L couldn’t finish his toast. He couldn’t concentrate. He didn’t even realize he’d been sitting for hours at his table, doing nothing but quietly weeping until Watari entered the house to find him.

“L?” The old man removed his hat and coat and tossed it on the sofa as he entered. The soft clack of his shoes against the hardwoods were a comfort to L as he approached. “How long have you been sitting here?”

L turned to him with earnest eyes, “I’m not sure.”

“Losing time again, are we?” Watari said gently as he pulled a chair out and sat next to his son. “L, I love you, but you’ve got to start loving yourself. Invite him here.”

L turned away from Watari and winced, trying to hold back the sting of new tears threatening to burst forth. “You know I can’t.”

“You can, L. It would be good for you to have a friend and I bet your therapist agrees with me.”

L sighed heavily, staring up at the ceiling, still fighting his emotions, “I don’t want to be his friend.”

“I know, L. But you’ve got to start somewhere,” Watari explained kindly. “Invite him. Leave the invitation open. Tell him any time he wants to get away, you’ve got a lovely cottage he can stay in.”

L smiled through his tears, “Thank you, Watari.”

“You’re welcome,” the old man said as he reached over and embraced his only child. He squeezed L tight, L returning the loving embrace as he finally broke down and sobbed into his father’s shoulder. “It’ll all be okay, L. It’ll all be okay.”


	4. Perfection is Messy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to take an inside look at Light's life and meet one of L's alters!

The stress was getting to Light.  His job had become so overwhelming  with his new project that lately he hadn't even had time to do chores.  _ I need a house keeper.  _ It was a good thing he was working from home today because the only clean clothing he had was a pair of tattered grey sweats and an old stained white t- shirt.  The cleanliness of both were debatable, even, as Light did a sniff test and determined they were the least soiled of his clothing. He couldn’t walk around naked all day, right? A man had to have standards.

Light sighed and rubbed his face as the conference call ended. Another pot of coffee could be heard brewing in the kitchen, and he rose from his dark leather couch in the living room to go pour one more cup of that lifesaving nectar. Upstairs, the dryer sang its song and Light tiredly hoisted himself up the staircase to hopefully drape himself in warm clothing that smelled fresh and was stain free. It was amazing to him what kind of prizes he settled for in the madness that was his life.

Halfway up the stairs he heard his phone buzz and ring and carry on as it sat forgotten on the kitchen counter top. “God damn it,” Light mumbled under his breath. Fresh clothes would have to wait. His coffee sloshed out of its mug upon the turn around and Light wondered if instead of mopping the stairs he could just go back to bed and tell everyone he was sick today.

He felt almost irate as he lifted his phone and pulled the menu down to scroll through the emails and texts and missed phone calls from his negligence of less than five whole minutes. Everything suddenly seemed far less important, however, when he noticed a single text from one Dr. L Lawliet. “What’s this?” Curiosity called for a singular focus, his life’s ambition suddenly falling away at the thought of his love life. “Oh, wow,” he mumbled, brows raised as a smile cracked his otherwise unhappy face. The muscles adjusted to the unfamiliar pose as his brain flooded with neurotransmitters it hadn’t produced in a while. “You know what?” Light asked aloud to the nobody who was with him in his large, empty apartment. “I’m taking him up on this invitation. Fuck this. Fuck work. Fuck everything. England sounds wonderful.”  _ See translation: Uninterrupted sex with L in England sounds wonderful.  _

His fingers couldn’t thumb a reply fast enough.  ** I would love to! I actually have some unused vacation time. Would it be too forward to say I can come as soon as tomorrow?  **

The reply couldn’t come fast enough either.  ** The cottage will be ready and awaiting your arrival.  **

Light beamed. This was his opportunity. After today, everyone could fuck off. He was going to England to see the man who baffled him, challenged him, made him weak in the knees and gave him the best sex of his life. Light shivered as he remembered one particularly soul sucking blow job. Oh, to feel that high again. His body seemed to literally ache for it. It almost felt like he had been deprived of his drug since they parted. Light considered what he’d give to be with his lover again and figured that it was a true sign of addiction since he was willing to part with everything he owned and give up his career for a man he barely knew based on his blow job skills.  _ But they are  _ magical _ blow job skills, _ he thought to himself as he typed out an automated email reply that he would be unavailable for the next two weeks starting the end of business today. 

Suddenly he didn’t need quite so much coffee. With a burst of newfound energy, Light typed replies to his emails and answered his calls as he sorted through his laundry and caught up on the dishes. He wiped down the countertops and swept and mopped the floors. He took out the garbage. He packed his bag. Light looked around his place and considered the need for a house keeper again. He’d have to make that decision upon his return.  _ If  _ he returned.

**_***_**

By the time evening rolled around, Watari decided to check on L once again. He hadn’t heard from L in hours, though he suspected things were fine. It was just a father’s worry taking hold and the old man knew he wouldn’t be able to settle for the evening if he didn’t make sure L was alright first. 

When Watari opened the front door, he was hit with the unusual and yet not unpleasant smell of house hold cleaners. “L?”

“He’s not available at the moment!” Called a more feminine version of L’s voice from the kitchen.

Watari walked toward the voice and the sound of scrubbing only to feel quite amused at the scene before him. L was in an apron, hair pulled back in a blue polka dotted head band. He was scrubbing the tile floor by hand with a large bristle brush. A toothbrush was next to him on the floor, apparently there for those  hard to reach corners. “Hello Marie. How are you doing today?”

“Oh! So busy. Light is going to be here tomorrow and this place is an absolute  _ travesty,  _ I swear!” She complained as she scrubbed the floor.

“Well, I think you’re doing a fantastic job, Marie. Would you like help?” Watari asked, hands in his pockets. He was tempted to snap a picture with his phone but knew that L would let him have it later if he did.

“Oh, no, Watari. We’re fine,” she said with a brief wave of her hand.

“So is L co-conscious with you then?” He asked.

“Sort of. He’s panicking over Light’s arrival.”

“I see,” Watari had gathered as much. Marie didn’t show up very often. L had to be pretty stressed out in order for her to be taking over for him. “Well, please don’t stay up all night cleaning, Marie. L will need to be in bed by midnight at the latest, alright?”

“I think I can get most of this done by then,” she agreed pleasantly.

“Alright. Do you know what time Light is coming tomorrow?”

“You’ll have to check L’s phone and see. I have no idea.”

Watari carefully reached for the black smart phone on the counter without stepping onto the sudsy floor. He typed in the password and scrolled through L’s texts, smiling as he read the adorable conversation  between he and Light. “It looks like he will arrive very late tomorrow evening. I’ll have a car sent for him. Let me know if L wants to go to the airport tomorrow.”

“Will do! Have a good night, Watari,” Marie said without looking up at the old man or stopping in her war path of cleaning.

“You too, Marie,” Watari said with a small smile. L would return after a good night’s rest, he knew. Typically, L was a calmer, less anxious version of himself after Marie fronted, so Watari didn’t mind. He knew it was L’s way of preparing for Light’s arrival and it was best to simply let him do it. He’d text at midnight to make sure they were actually in bed, though. Marie could get a little distracted by her missions and lose track of time. Her intentions were good, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually have an alter who enjoys cleaning and organizing, which is great, because I fucking hate it lmaoooo. He's male, gay, and 17 years old. He likes for everyone to know of his existence because he's an attention whore (and yes, he's irritated that I said that but oh, well. lmao)


	5. Hello, Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L reunite

Light would arrive jet lagged and grumpy on a rainy Wednesday evening. The sight of L sitting in the back seat of his black luxury sedan pulled Light right out of his funk. It no longer mattered that he was cold and wet and the busy airport was obnoxiously loud. What mattered was messy black hair and large grey eyes and the simplest of greetings, ”Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” Light said, that same wicked smirk  adorning classical features as he climbed inside the car.  He wasted no time in taking L’s hand and pressing his lips to cold  knuckles. “I've missed you terribly.”

_ He has?  _ “I've missed you too. I'm so glad you came,”  L would've said more but he found himself muffled by a fervent kiss.  It melted him completely. L was nothing and wondered if he'd ever been anything at all. 

How was Light even more beautiful than he remembered? How did kisses from those perfect lips linger like they did? And how could L solve the greatest mysteries of the world and yet fail to fully grasp  everything that was the man sitting next to him in the back of his car? 

Light smiled as L’s hand traced his features, as if memorizing them by feel. L didn't say a thing, all his thoughts betrayed by the wonderment in his eyes.  It was all Light could do to keep from asking him what was going on in that head of his. Instead, he relished the moment,  almost bemused by how innocent L could at times be.  Light couldn’t help but to press their lips together yet again, causing L’s hand to slide into his hair and grip it. The way L moaned into the kiss excited Light, and he pressed for more without even meaning to, forgetting entirely that there was a driver in the front seat who could hear and potentially see everything. His tongue begged for access at the seam of L’s lips, his hand snaking its way up L’s shirt to press against the flat, firm chest. Would it be too much to tease a nipple as his tongue explored L’s mouth? The way L responded said both yes and no. He gasped and shuddered and trembled and grabbed Light’s shirt, pulling Light on top of him while he slid beneath his lover. Uncomfortable car seats and doors be damned.

A husky laugh escaped Light when the back of L’s head smacked against something plastic. Sitting up, Light pulled L with him and corrected both their postures. “Perhaps we should wait until we are at your place?”

Eyes too large for their accompanying face scanned the seat and locked on the two hands intertwined between them. “Yes, that would indeed be more comfortable.”

Light simply laughed a bit louder this time, much to the puzzlement of L. They engaged in small talk for the remainder of the ride, which helped greatly with too tight pants and the feeling of heat between them. A stoic driver was silently thankful he didn’t have to endure the world’s most distracting show while driving in the rain at night, as well.

The large, black, wrought iron gates swung open automatically and the car cruised down a well-lit drive, which came to a rather large round-about with a fountain in the middle. The rain had stopped for the most part, and Light marveled at the beauty in the darkness. “Is this your neighborhood?”

It was L’s turn to laugh. “No, this is my home. I’ll take you on the official tour tomorrow morning. It’s a 500 acre compound.”

“Holy shit,” Light hadn’t meant to say that out loud, and he blushed a bit when he turned to look at L. L simply looked amused. Light looked out his window again, this time his attention caught by the stunning mansion they were passing by. Lawn lights shown brightly upon its magnificent exterior, and Light wondered why they were passing it. “You don’t live in the stunning mansion over there?”

L shook his head. “I did as a child, but I like to call the cottage my home. You’ll see. We host parties and such at the mansion but it’s too big and stuffy for me to live there. It just doesn’t feel like home.”

Light shrugged, “Fair enough,” he said. 

For some reason Light expected the cottage to be small. Of course, it was smaller than the mansion they just passed, but it was by no means  _ small.  _ Ivy crawled up the old stone walls, and the arched doorways and hand carved wooden architecture was stunning. It was brilliantly understated while being magnificent all at once. “Who built this? It’s gorgeous.”

“This was the original house on the farm when Watari bought it. He lived here with his wife as they worked and saved money and built the rest of the compound,” L explained.

Light loved hearing about its rich history, and it made him understand why L loved it so much. This place was special. It was full of memories and held the mysteries of his family within its walls. The car stopped and L and Light both got out, the driver pulling Light’s luggage from the trunk. “Welcome home, sir,” the man said with a tip of his hat as he wheeled the luggage up to the front door before returning to the car and driving off.

Inside was warm, gold light from the many lamps about the house filling the cottage. It was cozy and homely and Light immediately understood why L chose to live there. He removed his coat and hung it on the wall hooks by the front door as he looked around and took the place in. So entranced by its charm was he, that Light didn’t hear L speak at first. “I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Are you hungry? I have some leftover pasta in the fridge I can heat up. And you can leave your bags by the staircase. I’ll show you your room later.” L explained.

Light nodded as he placed his luggage at the foot of the old stair case. “Yes, actually I’m quite famished.”

L perked up at that and led Light into the kitchen. It was still spotless from where Marie had spent nearly all night scrubbing it top to bottom. He was thankful for the kindness of that particular alter, otherwise the guest room would still be dust covered and without fresh sheets on the bed. He warmed up the pasta, deciding to join Light in eating dinner as the smell of garlic and rosemary filled the house. He offered Light a glass of wine and the two sat down to a simple meal at the same table where L had fretted so desperately over Light not two days prior.

It was still difficult for him, having to keep that distance form Light. There was no telling what would happen if Light knew the truth about him. On the other hand, was L leading Light on? Was he being a fraud by pretending to be a completely normal person with no mental health struggles to speak of? 

L was startled from his thoughts when Light placed a hand on his knee, “Hey, are you alright? You kind of spaced out for a bit.”

“Oh, sorry,” L looked down at Light’s hand and was unsure what to do. How did he explain himself?

“No need to apologize. I’m sure someone as brilliant as you gets lost in thought all the time. I would love to know what you’re thinking,” Light laughed at himself. “I bet that sounds strange, but it’s true. I would give anything to  peek inside one of the world’s most brilliant minds.”

L tried to hide his horror at the thought of people being able to know his thoughts by laughing a little. “My mind is quite disorganized, to be honest. It’s not what people imagine, I’m sure.”

“Ordinary people do tend to struggle with the extraordinary. What you call disorganized, I call brilliant. Most people can only think one thought at a time, but someone like you must see the world a million different ways all at once. It’s fascinating, really. You have a beautiful mind.”

L had never been complimented in such a way before and it caught him entirely off guard. Light was right, of course. For L, he could look at a problem a dozen different ways from the perspective of a dozen different people. He had his very own panel of experts right inside his head. L placed his hand upon Light’s and squeezed it gently. Turning to face him, L whispered, “Nobody has ever said anything quite like that to me before,” he paused to breathe through his emotions. He needed to pack them up and put them away. “Thank you.”

Light responded with a tender kiss, essentially ending dinner. The two of them quietly left their dishes on the table, the wine only barely sipped as it sat out. All of that could wait. Everything could wait. Time itself could stop as they made their way upstairs. The guest bedroom Marie had worked so diligently to prepare would be left untouched as the two made their way to L’s bedroom and closed the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I keep teasing you guys. Do we want a smut chapter? How about a smut chapter? I'm taking a poll lmao


	6. Dinosaurs and Sidewalk Chalk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut! And Light knowingly meets an alter for the first time.

Light pushed aside L’s shirt collar so he could have better access to the skin at the base of his neck. It was all too tempting, and he couldn't resist nipping at the flesh just a bit as they stood in the darkness of L’s room. He relished in the feeling of L shivering and gasping at his touches and bites. He tenderly kissed the sore spot he'd created as his hands slid under L’s shirt and pushed it up his body. Light allowed his palms to purposefully brush against L’s tender nipples, smiling wickedly as he watched L come undone beneath his touch.

L wasn’t even aware he’d lifted his arms so Light could slide his shirt off until he felt it tugged off his head and the cold air prick his skin. For a moment he felt lost, like he didn’t know what to do as he lowered his arms. When Light pulled off his own shirt, however, L suddenly couldn’t resist exploring the stunning body revealed before him. His hands smoothed over the skin of Light’s chest as he stared at the embodiment of perfection before him. It felt like it was the very first time he’d ever seen Light’s body. Perhaps it was.

Light broke L’s train of thought with a passionate kiss. His hands grabbed the flesh of L’s back and pulled him hard against his own body. Tented pants collided and both men groaned to feel the others hardness. L wanted to touch Light. Needed to touch Light. His hands slid down to Light’s hips and teased the top of his pants. Did he dare? With a sudden boldness quite unlike himself, he surged a hand inside Light’s pants and grabbed the shaft he found there. It was still hiding beneath the cloth of his underwear, but that didn’t matter because Light moaned heavily into the kiss he was giving L, having to break it in order to pant against the base of his neck. “Oh, _God_ L,” Light mumbled as he bit down on L’s shoulder muscles.

L grinned wickedly, suddenly remembering how very much Light seemed to enjoy his mouth around that hard, weeping erection. Letting go of Light’s shaft, L sank to his knees as he unbuttoned Light’s pants and pulled them down to his knees. He mouthed the underwear housing Light’s hardness teasingly, looking up to see Light staring at him with lust blown fascination. His eyes were pleading, begging him without words. _Please L. Please suck. Put your mouth on it. Please._

As if to answer a silent prayer, L took both hands up to the top of Light’s underwear as he removed his mouth. He ran his fingers back and forth along the top, Light’s fingers snaking their way through black hair and frustratedly grasping it. L hissed as he took the command for what it was. _Stop teasing me and suck my dick or I’m going to fuck your face until you choke on it._

Heeding the command, L pulled the underwear down until it was just below Light’s ball sack. The erection stood proudly, expecting the attention it deserved. L wasted no time now. This was not the time for teasing. He sank his mouth upon the perfect shaft, the head of Light’s penis pressing against the roof of his mouth as he closed his lips around it and sucked. The fingers of one hand grasped the base as the other hand squeezed his balls. L relished in the way Light carried on as he threw his head back in ecstasy.

Saliva coated L’s hands as he worked the shaft. L gagged and gurgled around it every time Light lost control and thrust his hips forward. Light's grip tightened in L’s hair. He was going to come if L kept this up much longer.

As if he somehow sensed Light was close, L popped off Light’s cock and stood. Before Light could object, L dropped his own pants and kicked them away. “Ride me,” L said as he backed up to the bed and laid across it.

“I didn't prep-"

“Not like that,” L interrupted as he sat up and grabbed Light, pulling him on top of himself. “Like this.” L pressed his hips up, doing his best to rub his dick against Light's.

“Oh,” Light said in understanding as he lowered himself onto L. He kissed L sweetly as he rubbed their erections together, clasping hands as they both rose higher and higher, becoming lost in the sensations, lost in one another.

For a brief moment L’s mind was silent. For just a second the only two people who existed in the entire universe were him and Light. L closed his eyes and surrendered to the heaven which threatened to tear his soul asunder. He didn't mind. He would never mind losing his soul to this.

***

“Huh?” Light felt beneath the covers for the body that had kept him warm all night long. It became apparent quite quickly that L'd gone.

With a stretch and a yawn, Light decided to go looking for L. But first, pants. No, first pee, then pants. What kind of sense did it make to pull on pants just to walk ten steps to the toilet and pull them down again?

Light decided quite quickly that he was in need of coffee before he started arguing with himself over petty things in front of L. Smiling at his own silliness as he descended the stairs, Light wasn't expecting to see Watari in the kitchen. _I should've put on a shirt. Fuck._

“Good morning Mr. Yagami,” Watari greeted politely.

“Good morning,” Light said, embarrassed that he was without a top. “Where's L?”

“Drawing pictures on the black top.”

“I'm sorry, what?”

Watari smiled and waved for Light to follow him as he left the kitchen and made his way toward the back door. Just outside the door was a little patio, and beyond that, an old asphalt black top that looked like it might've been a tennis court at one time. L was on his hands and knees, ferociously coloring in whatever picture he was drawing with side walk chalk. He was mumbling to himself and giggling, completely unaware of the two adults watching him.

“Why is he coloring pictures like a child?” Light asked, momentarily perplexed.

“Because he _is_ a child, Light,” Watari turned large, sad eyes to Light. They begged him to understand. To accept. “L has Dissociative Identity Disorder. When he is happy and at ease, he sometimes let's Benjamin out to play. He only does it in the mornings, because L believes that's the safest time of day for him.”

Light nodded but was otherwise perfectly still and perfectly silent. He watched L for a moment, then, without looking at Watari or asking any other questions, he walked out into the warm morning sun and approached the black top. Once he stepped upon it, he knelt down and reached his hand toward the bucket of side walk chalk. “May I join you?”

Benjamin stopped coloring and looked at Light with wide eyes. “Sure,” he shrugged, smiling as he got back to his picture.

“Thank you,” Light said as he began to draw. “I like your sun. It's really cool. My name is Light, by the way.”

“I know who you are,” Benjamin said without looking up at Light, “You're L’s boyfriend, right?”

Light blushed a bit, “Yes, I am. Is that okay with you?”

Benjamin shrugged, “Yeah, I guess.”

“What's your name?” Light asked as he colored in the heart he drew.

“Ben. I'm seven! I like dinosaurs. Do you like dinosaurs?” Benjamin asked. This time he looked up at Light.

“Yes, actually. I like dinosaurs a lot.”

“Want to see mine? I have a bunch!” Benjamin dropped his chalk in his excitement and stood.

“That sounds cool. I would love to see them,” Light said as he stood and put away his chalk.

“Follow me!” Benjamin ran back into the house, big smile stretched across his face.

“Wait for me!” Light called as he followed at a slow jog.

When Light reached the house, he exchanged looks with Watari. The old man's face looked somehow younger, his body lighter. It were as though a great weight had been lifted off of the old man's shoulders and he knew he didn't have to worry about L anymore. Light patted Watari's shoulder in understanding as he passed the old man. _Thank you,_ they said to each other without saying anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you even with this fluff? 🤣❤😍 I love Light's reaction. He just took it all in stride, like whatever, this is fine. 
> 
> Were you expecting a different reaction? Let me know in the comments. I'm super curious!


	7. A Flash of Horror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW for PTSD flashback of childhood abuse

A yellow and green pterodactyl crash landed into dangerous t-rex territory. Benjamin let out a loud roar as his blue t-rex mercilessly attacked Light’s fallen pterodactyl. The young boy giggled as Light pouted, the two of them sitting cross legged on the floor of a play room amongst a plethora of toys.

“Ben, would it be alright for L to front now? I need to talk to him about boring grown up things for a bit,” Light asked as he inspected a purple brontosaurus.

“But I'm having so much fun! Do I have to?” Benjamin pouted.

Light nodded, “I'll take you for ice cream later if you do me this favor. Deal?”

“Deal!” Benjamin said happily. He set his toys down and scrunched his nose. Then he winced and rubbed his forehead. “Oh, my head really hurts,” L mumbled. The pain began to subside and he looked around the room, confused. Then he noticed Light sitting cross legged before him holding a toy dinosaur, and he felt embarrassed. “So, you know.”

“I know,” Light said softly as he set the toy down and reached for L’s hand. “And it doesn't change the way I feel about you.”

L glanced up at Light's earnest, loving face and had to look away. He didn't withdraw his hand, however. “Watari is the only one who's ever known. I just…I'm not a freak, you know?”

Light crawled over to L and gathered him in his arms. He held L tight and kissed his hair and whispered sweet affirmations to him. “You are brilliant, L. You're beautiful and unique and mysterious. You are so many wonderful things.”

L couldn't respond. He'd never dreamed in a million years that somebody would accept and love him in all his broken insanity. He clung to Light as the flood gates opened and the tears came pouring out. Part of him didn't know why he was crying. Another part felt stupid for doing it. Yet another part of him didn't care because it was clear that Light loved him and wouldn't abandon him just because of his illness.

When L calmed down, he lifted his face from Light’s chest and inspected his beautiful face. “Why are you so good to me?”

“Isn't it obvious? I'm falling in love with you, L.” Light said with the most innocent, vulnerable look on his face.

L leaned forward and kissed those lips which said such magical things. He was falling in love with Light, too. It had scared him up until that moment. Now that he knew how Light felt, he relaxed a bit, breathing in the calm that came with understanding. “I'm falling for you too, Light.”

Light smiled and cupped L’s cheek with his hand. “When you're ready, I’d like to meet them.”

L nodded, feeling overwhelmed again. “You've already met one before Ben, you just didn't know it,” L confessed.

“Who? When?”

“The first night we met, and every time we've… every time we've had sex, it's been with Mello, not me. I'm sorry,” L looked away from Light, suddenly ashamed of his confession.

“I see,” Light said slowly, thinking, “Well, tell Mello he’s got a rather talented mouth.”

L laughed, Light's joke suddenly making him feel much better. He sighed and laced his fingers with Light’s, gazing longingly at their hands. “I want to try it without switching,” L said slowly, “I- I don't know what it’s like to just be me when I'm…”

“Vulnerable?”

“Yeah.”

“L, are you the original personality?” Light asked, simply curious.

“No,” he confessed, continuing to stare at their joined hands. “The original hasn't surfaced in years.”

“What's his name?”

“Nathan. Nathan River. He liked being called Nate when he was little,” L explained casually.

“What happened to Nate?” Light asked, knowing the question could potentially be triggering.

L began to shake, closing his eyes as he shook his head. “Daddy tried to drown us. Said we were the devils child. I begged daddy not to do it. I begged him. He already drowned our sister. She wasn't breathing. Why is she blue? Why is she blue?”

L began screaming, sobbing uncontrollably and trembling. Light held him, trying to pull him out of the flashback, but it wasn't working. L continued screaming, gaining the attention of Watari, who entered the room calmly. The old man knelt before L and Light and tried to soothe him, but L was lost to the terrorizing memory of his childhood.

It would last for ten agonizing minutes. Even after it was over and L was asleep, Light couldn't shake the echoes of L’s screaming from his mind. “It's time we talked,” Watari told Light as he handed him a cup of tea and sat down at the long wooden table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gut wrenching childhood trauma aside, who here expected L himself to be an alter? *mind blown* 😅🤣


	8. Contemplation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watari and Light have a heart to heart which causes Light to have much to think over.

“Adoption is a long and difficult process. Not because of the laws and financial cost, but because the children come with tremendous emotional baggage. My late wife Sharon and I took courses on how to deal with a child from the foster care system, but we were so under prepared for everything L- or, Nathan, as we knew him back then- was.” Watari sighed as he explained, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes. “We had never even heard of DID before, and when Sharon got sick… Nate split into even more personalities, and by the time she passed away, he had to be hospitalized.”

“I am so sorry,” Light said, sincerely aching for the man who lost his wife and nearly lost his son all at once. He gripped his mug of tea and glanced down, glad that he'd been able to throw on a shirt before this conversation started.

“Thank you,” Watari said with a sad smile, “The diagnosis came as no surprise. I already knew several of his alters by then. I just didn't know it was an actual illness. I thought he was a child dealing with trauma by inventing a fantasy world and I thought he would come out of it.”

“You were half right,” Light said in an attempt to lighten the heavy mood.

Watari almost laughed, “Yes. It took a lot of therapy for the both of us to understand it. It took me years to understand that this isn't fantasy for L, for Nate. This is real. The people in his head are real.”

“I understand.”

“I don't think you do,” Watari said, “You've never had to stay up all night with him to make sure the persecutor didn't harm him. You've never caught him trying to swallow a bottle of pills, only for him to switch and have no idea why he's holding them. You've never had to admit your only child to the hospital and not know if he'd ever be able to return home. No, Mr. Yagami, I don't think you understand. After a week or two of loving bliss with my son, you'll return home to America and I'll be the one who picks up the pieces when he feels like you've abandoned him. I'll be the one who reassures him you're just busy when you don't pick up the phone. I'll be the one to hope and pray he doesn't hurt himself in his anguish over you. I know you think you love him, Light, but you have no idea what it means to love my son.”

The weight of Watari's words hit Light so powerfully that he felt dizzy for a moment. What did he say to that? Was he supposed to stand his ground and claim he'd prove his love for L? The fact of that matter was that Watari was right. Light had a life he fully intended to return to after this vacation was over. The only reason he'd accepted L’s invitation was because he was overwhelmed in the moment. If Light were being honest with himself, he was married to his work. He stood at the precipice of radical change in the way violent crime was handled across the globe and because of that, he could be saving millions of lives. Did he turn his back on that dream for the sake of one man? It didn't make sense to do that. It didn't make sense to string L along either. “You've given me much to think about, sir. If you don't mind, I'm going to excuse myself so I can think everything over on my own.”

Watari nodded in understanding. He didn't want to get between L and Light, but Light was young and unrealistic. In some ways, Light seemed to live in a fantasy world of his own design as well. Only time and experience could bring him out of it. Watari gathered the mugs as Light stood and headed toward the front door. The old man rinsed the cups out as he heard the door open and then shut, and he wondered how long it would be before Light walked out of their lives permanently.

Light breathed in the fresh, crisp air and looked around. It was a nice day for a self guided tour of the property, he figured as he set off down the gravel drive. “What do I do?” He asked out loud to the birds singing in the trees. “Am I betraying my life’s purpose if I want to trade that dream in for this one?” Light's father had died in the line of duty when he was very young. It was the catalyst that set him on the path to creating a better world. He didn't want anyone to suffer the way his family had. “Watari is right. I don't _actually_ know L. What I think I'm in love with is just an infatuation with who I thought he was. Who I've admired for so many years. I got caught up in the fantasy.” Light wiped his eyes. No, it was more than fantasy. He wanted to know L more. He wanted to help him, protect him, love him. Watari wouldn't be around forever, and L didn't need to be alone. “Maybe _this_ is what I was destined for. If I even believe such a thing,” he said to himself as he walked. “Maybe the hardship, the training, my education…maybe it all led me here.” He stopped as he came to the end of the tree line and looked out over the vast, rolling hills. He saw the round about and manor in the distance. He could see construction of something, he didn't know what. There was a barn and horses in paddocks. There were what looked like tiny homes behind it. It was stunning to behold and Light wondered what it all was for. “Are those _children?”_ he rose a hand to shield his eyes from the sun as he watched a line of kids being led outside to play. “Huh.” Light had no clue what all this was, but he knew he wanted to be a part of it. He knew he wanted to know more about L and Watari and the work they did. What he already knew was amazing; but there was so much more to it.

When Light turned around, he was startled to see L standing in the middle of the drive, staring at him.

“Oh! L, you frightened me.”

L grinned wickedly, “I'm not L.”

“Oh? With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?” Light asked, trying to relax but struggling to. L seemed _quite off_ to him.

“You can call me B.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And just like that, the plot thickens🤣. I know, I'm mean.


	9. Don't Trust B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light learns a hard lesson about the dark side of L's disorder.

B ’s smile changed to something mimicking sincerity, “My apologies.  I wanted to give you a tour of the property. What do you think? Care to see the place?”

Light shook the uneasy feeling off as simply being startled after that difficult conversation with  Watari . It couldn't possibly be more than that, right? “ That would be great!” Light said cheerfully. 

B offered his hand and Light took it. “We can grab a golf cart by the staff lodge and make our way around in that. It'll be faster and less exhausting.”

“ Great idea,” Light said as he took note of how outgoing this alter was. “Tell me about yourself, B.”

“Well, I'm  25, I'm one of  the first alters to split from little Nate.  I showed up as a baby in a basket in the river one day and L pulled me out of it and brought me into his house.  Nobody knew where the heck  I came from,” he explained casually as they walked. 

Light nodded as he imagined the vast and detailed inner world Nate must have. He knew the fact that B showed up in a river had to be very meaningful, considering Nate's father attempted to drown he and his sister.  Light continued  pondering everything B told him as they approached a large log cabin with an extended carport.  It held tractors, trucks, several golf carts, and many  gardening tools hung on the walls. 

“Good morning sir!” a tall, lean  brunette woman said as she exited the log cabin by the front door. She was dressed in a white shirt and shorts and carried a thick binder. 

“ Good morning, Mindy,” B waved, seeming very much like L to anyone who didn't know better.  Turning back to Light, he said, “She's worked here for over a decade.  Honest woman. Hard worker,”  _ fantastic fuck.  _

“Oh, I see,” Light said with a pleasant smile as he and B climbed into one of the golf carts. 

The key was already in it, and Light figured L and Watari must not worry about things getting stolen. It was so nice to get off his sore feet that  Llight audibly sighed as he relaxed into the white,  cushoined seat. The shoes he'd worn were not designed for hikes, and they were at least two miles from the cottage now. The rolling pastures zoomed by them as they circled the  roundabout and headed toward the manor. 

“I want to show you a secret,” B said,  electric grin spread across his face. 

“Okay,” Light said with nonchalance, feeling anything but. 

They drove around the side of the huge house, leaving the driveway and riding across the grass. When they reached the back, B took them careening down a steep hill. Be laughed, seeming to enjoy the thrill, while Light clung to his seat and braced himself. This was certainly not his idea of fun. Once at the bottom of the hill, B took a sharp right and followed the base of it toward what looked like a pile of weathered, mossy stones stacked against the hill. Upon closer inspection, it was actually the entrance to a cave.

Putting the cart in park, B cut the engine and looked past Light, “That cave pre-dates everything else on the property.”

“Wow,” Light said with awe as he looked at the dark entrance and shivered. It was creepy and yet somehow inviting.

They both stepped out of the cart, B leading the way inside the cave. “Watch your step,” B said as he disappeared into the darkness. A dim light shone from a singular light bulb hanging from the ceiling, B having gently pulled its ancient, little chain. Upon further inspection of the cave now that more could be seen than just darkness, there were several wine racks filled with bottles from floor to ceiling. B grabbed a bottle and wiped off the dust. “This place makes the perfect wine cellar.”

“That’s amazing,” Light said softly, somehow feeling like he should whisper while in the cave but not exactly knowing why.

B handed him a bottle, “We’ll have that one with lunch. What do you say?”

Light smiled at B, finally beginning to relax around him. “Sure.”

Leading the way out of the cave, Light had to wince against the strong sunlight as he carried the bottle back to the cart. Setting the bottle on the seat between where he and B would be sitting, Light turned back to see what B was doing. He was just standing outside the mouth of the cave looking confused.

“Light? Why are we here?”

“L?”

“Yeah,” L rubbed his forehead, a head ache developing from switching. “Who brought you here?”

“He calls himself B,” Light said.

L’s face dropped. “Light, he’s dangerous. You need to- ah!” L dropped the wine bottle and grabbed his head as searing pain shot through. B was demanding a switch and L fought it.

“L!” Light ran toward him.

“Stop! Don’t come any closer!” L warned, putting one hand out as he doubled over in pain. “Take the cart and go get Watari. Now!”

Light hesitated.

“NOW! Before I lose control!”

Light wheeled around and jumped into the cart, taking off in what he hoped was the right direction. His heart pounded in his chest and his vision blurred. As he raced back up the hill, he pulled out his cell phone and shakily dialed Watari’s cell number, thanking the old man for having the forethought to exchange numbers with him. Out of the corner of his eye, Light could see L- or was  it B? Bounding up the hill toward him. The cart strained and slowed up the steep hill, Light smashing the pedal to the floor and leaning into the incline as though that would help. “Come on! FUCK!”

B was quickly gaining ground, nothing but pure malice on his face as he intercepted the cart, lunging through the passenger side and tackling Light. They both hit the ground hard, B landing on top of Light as the cell phone flung into the distance. B straddled Light and bunched his shirt up in his left fist. Light was too dazed from his head and body slamming against the ground to fight him off. B cocked his right fist back, then hesitated. “You fucking FUCK!” B screamed, spitting as tears of rage clouded his eyes. His fist shook in the air, and he knew the other alters were fighting for control. “I hate you!” He screamed as he punched Light as hard as he could on the side of the face. He reared his fist back and punched him again. And again. Light was too dazed and in too much pain to fight back. Around the 6 th punch, Light lost consciousness. That didn’t stop B, however. Blood splattered and bone cracked beneath his fist as he screamed, knowing his own hand was broken at this point but not caring. “You don’t deserve to know him! How dare you speak his name!” B screamed.

By this time, several staff members had taken notice and were racing over. Two large men pulled B off of Light while a young woman dialed for emergency services on her cell phone. Another man ran to help, kneeling by Light and checking his pulse. B thrashed and fought and kicked out as he was restrained. Another two men raced over and they helped the first two pin B to the ground. B struggled until he felt the cold pinch of a needle in his arm. “Fuck you!” He mumbled into the grass right before losing consciousness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to mention here that not every system has a persecutor, and not every persecutor is violent. Often times they are self or relationship sabotaging, or they want to harm the body. They are often the alters that will try to commit suicide or cut. 
> 
> I'll explain why B came out in the next chapter.


	10. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot happens in this chapter. Light wakes up in the hospital, Watari is beside himself, L is hospitalized...

When Light woke up, it would be to a pain dulled by heavy doses of IV medication and blurred vision. His whole body felt sore. A groan escaped him, and he could hear the shuffling of someone in the room. “Who’s there?” He croaked, hardly able to recognize his own voice.

“Watari,” the old man sounded apologetic.

“What happened?” Light asked, his memory fuzzy at best.

“You met B,” Watari sighed. His worst fears had been realized and he wasn’t sure what was going to happen at this point. Would Light press charges? Would L be permanently institutionalized? Watari had to consider the safety of his staff, of the children in the orphanage and school. Of himself.

“Where is L?” Light struggled with the bed, attempting to sit up.

“He's in isolation,” Watari sighed sadly.

“That's the last thing he needs,” Light said, worry lacing his voice.

“Light, I'm so sorry this happened. I-"

“It’s okay,” Light tried to reassure. “I mean, It's not okay, but it's okay. It'll be okay.”

Exhausted and beside himself with worry, Watari put his face in his hands and wept. “What am I supposed to do?”

“We’ll figure it out. You're not alone in this anymore, okay?” Light offered his weak hand and Watari took it. Quietly, they both sat in their thoughts and despair over the young man they both loved.

Light would have to take an emergency medical leave of absence from work. As he healed, he found he went through a range of emotions over what happened. At first, he thought it was the pain medication he was on. When he saw his swollen, distorted face in the mirror for the first time, however, he felt angry.

“I'm glad I can't see him right now because I wouldn't be kind,” Light admitted to Watari as the old man watched Light undergo a painful bandage change for his wounds.

“I cannot blame you,” the old man said.

Light couldn't help but feel sorrow every time he looked at Watari. “How is he?”

“Not good,” Watari sighed heavily and shifted in his seat. “He has been sobbing uncontrollably, suffering PTSD flashbacks to the point of sedation every night because it's so disruptive to the other patients. He keeps asking about you. Keeps apologizing.”

 _At least he's taking responsibility._ “It'll take time for him to sort himself out.”

“Yes,” Watari simply wasn't hopeful anymore.

***

In another hospital across town, L was sitting before his therapist. “I want to integrate,” he said, his eyes pleading that it was possible for him.

The therapist leaned forward in his chair and pushed his glasses up his nose. “It isn't a easy process, L. We have to get you stable first. You have to be communicating well within the system. With _everybody.”_

L gulped, “I understand. I just don't want to hurt anyone again. I don't want to be like this. I never want to wake up again and learn that I've put somebody I love in the hospital.”

The therapist nodded and took notes on the pad of paper in his lap. “So, you love Light Yagami?”

“Very much,” L shook as he thought of how horrible it would be to lose Light forever.

“I see,” the therapist said. “Tell me, why do you think B attacked him?”

“B told me he felt threatened. It was my fault. I should've never told Light about Nate,” L blinked against his forming tears and squeezed his knees tighter to his chest. “B thinks he's protecting Nate. When Nate fronts, all he feels is pain and fear. B stops that from happening. But when Light accidentally called Nate forward, it angered B. It angered him that Light said his name. That he asked him questions. B felt like Light had no right to do that. He had no right to pry into our system.”

“Okay, but how do you feel about that?”

“Me? I- I don't know. I think Light just wants what's best for us. He just wants to know us. He wants us to trust him.”

“Do you trust him?”

“Yes.”

“What about Nate? How does he feel?”

L placed his chin on his knees and glanced about the room. “He's afraid. He still wants B to protect him.”

“But B didn't do a very good job of that, did he? Otherwise you wouldn't be here, your hand wouldn't be broken, and you wouldn't be this upset.”

“I understand,” L said slowly. “Many of us do.”

“Our time is almost up. I would like you to write letters to everyone. Write letters to your alters, Watari, Light- everyone you feel you need to address, okay?”

“Are these letters I'm going to actually send?”

“Let's decide that at your next session, shall we?”

L agreed and unfolded himself. Upon standing from the plush couch, he thanked the doctor and followed the large security officer out of the room and back to his own. At least he wasn't restrained anymore, he thought. Things could be much worse for him. He considered those thoughts and feelings and decided the first person he'd write was Light. Then Watari. He'd write to his alters after that.

***

Light would return to the cottage to heal while L remained hospitalized. After a week, Light felt good enough to go back to work part time, working remotely. Watari allowed him to do so from the cottage, letting Light have every accommodation the compound had to offer.

Being sure to knock before entering, Watari called out to Light, “You have mail.”

Light was just finishing his first cup of coffee in the kitchen. He walked out of the kitchen to the front of the cottage, where he met Watari. “Good morning,” he greeted kindly, though it was still painful to smile. “Mail?”

“Yes, a letter from L. And Marie, Benjamin and Mello.”

Light accepted the letters with thanks, walking off with them as Watari left him to his privacy. While he wondered what all of them said, he was most curious about the one from L. He sat at his desk by the window and let the early morning sunlight brighten up the envelopes before him. Each one had a slightly different hand writing.

Opening the one from L, Light sipped his coffee as he read:

_“Dear Light,_

_I don't expect you to forgive me for what I did. It was inexcusable. I am horrified that I hurt you, and I have nightmares about it nearly every night. I've spoken to my therapist about integration, and I've started a new medication. I think it's helping, but who knows. Probably too early to know._

_I know there's no hope for us, no future. I get that there's no coming back from this. I just wanted you to know that when I met you, for the first time in my life I felt like I could have something normal, something real. You made me feel loved and accepted and not like a burden and I'll always have you to thank for those precious memories._

_I am hopeful that the things you taught me, the love you showed me, though fleeting, will carry me through this difficult process. I'm scared. I don't know who I'll be when this is all over with, but I hope I'll be a better man. One who doesn't hurt people._

_With all my love, L”_

Light set the letter and coffee down on his desk and placed his face in his hands. He took a shuddering breath as he tried to process everything and then picked up the envelope from Mello.

Inside was a picture of Mello's hard dick and a letter that simply read “ _Don't let B ruin our good time.”_ Light burst out laughing, tears streaming down his face. At least there was a part of L that didn't want to give up.

The next letter he opened was from an alter he didn't know, Marie.

_“Dear Mr. Yagami,_

_I realize I haven't had the chance to make your acquaintance, but I do hope to do so in the near future. B's behavior was reprehensible, but it does not reflect the collectives thoughts and feelings concerning you. B has endured quite the reprimanding from myself and several others. He is expected to ‘get it together’ as they say or else._

_I do hope this letter finds you well, and I implore you to remain in our lives, even if only as a friend._

_Thank you. Your friend, Marie”_

Light smiled at the paper. He liked this Marie person and wanted to meet her. Last but not least was Ben’s letter. Upon opening it, Light smiled at the dinosaur drawn in crayon and the crooked “ _I love you, Light”_ written in large, uneven letters across the page.

How was he supposed to stay mad at L with such loving, earnest letters like these? Downing the rest of his coffee, Light scoured his desk for some stationary. L wasn't allowed visitors, and if Light were honest with himself, that was okay for now. The thought of seeing L again still gave Light anxiety.

Finding paper and a pen took some doing, but once he did, Light found the words pouring from him. “My dearest L,” he muttered as he wrote, “I received your letter…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you all agree that L should try to integrate? And if he does, will he become Nate again? And what if Nate doesn't have feelings for Light? For all we know, Nate could be straight🤣.


	11. Letters Continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light heals enough to go home. Nate makes a decision.

The days were growing warmer, with daily storms rolling in to mimic Light’s internal struggle. He sipped his afternoon brew as he watched the grass in the field behind the cottage sway. The blacktop which once held the scribblings of a Little alter that Light thought he'd know better by now had long since washed away. Thunder clapped and the skies opened and Light could feel the rain washing away the lies he'd told himself.

 _I'm not here to fix him. That's not what he needs from me._ Light finished his coffee and stood to bring the empty mug to the kitchen. _Can I give him what he needs?_ Light stared out the kitchen window as he rinsed his mug. _What miserable weather._

Even though the sound of the rain on the roof and the cool misty feeling it gave the air made him sleepy, Light pushed through. Time had healed him for the most part, and as he ascended the stairs, he knew what to do. He just didn't want to do it. Didn't think his vacation would end this way. There was no reason to stay now that his face was healed for the most part. He’d taken all the time off from work he could without getting fired. As much as he wanted to stay and reconcile with L, he simply couldn't.

Packing went slowly, and Light stopped to sit on the bed and hold one of L’s t-shirts to his face and breathe in his scent. Closing his eyes, Light wished things were different. He wished L would burst through the doors and make love to him. Instead, the thunder shook the cottage and startled Light from his daydream.

Standing up, he folded the shirt and put it in his suitcase. Call it a memento, he thought. It felt like time stood still as he glanced around the room one last time before lugging his suitcase out the door. As much as he told himself he'd return, that he and L would work through their issues, he knew it was a lie. It was likely that he'd never see this place or L again.

“Are you ready, Mr. Yagami?” The driver asked as he stood in the doorway and offered to take Light's luggage.

“As I'll ever be,” he sighed. He'd already said his goodbyes to Watari, albeit with great reluctance. He didn't want to leave Watari to ‘pick up the pieces' of L after he left. Light didn't think that was fair. He also didn't have a choice.

Light climbed into the back seat of the car and said goodbye to the cottage. He said goodbye to its winding gravel drive and trees which lined it. Goodbye to the round about and the mansion. The school and the orphanage and all the other things he didn't know about. He said goodbye to the future he thought he wanted. Light said goodbye to it all.

***

L sobbed so hard over Light's letter that he gave himself a terrible head ache _._ L winced and rubbed his forehead, glad to be alone in the quiet of his room. Once his vision cleared, he read the sweet, hope filled words over again. _“I meant it when I said I loved you, and I'm not willing to give up just yet. I admit that I have both emotional and physical healing to do before I can see you again. However, if you're willing to do the work to get better, so am I. If integration is what you want, I support you.”_

_“I had to return to the States because of work, but that does not mean I am leaving you. I still want you. I still want us.”_

L stopped reading when his eyes fogged up with tears again. He sniffled and ran his hands over the tear stained paper. Wiping his eyes, he looked at the package Light had sent for Ben and the four other letters. They were addressed to Marie, Mello, B, and Nate.

Those letters could all wait. Right now L needed a hot shower and a nap. It pained him to know Light wouldn't be there when he got out of the hospital. “That's okay,” he told himself as he stepped into the steamy water, “It gives us the space we need to work on things separately.” That reassurance died quickly as L’s mind spiraled. _What if he finds someone else? He's beautiful and brilliant. He could have anyone he wanted. Why would he wait for you? Why would he settle for this mess?_

Part of L wished he could drown in the water pelting his face. Who was he to think he deserved the love of someone like Light? _Stupid. You're a fucking idiot, L._ “No. I won't believe that. He said he's willing to put the work in and so am I.”

Relaxed from his shower, L towel dried his hair and body but didn't bother with pajamas or even underwear. The bed was soft and the sheets comfortable and warm against his freshly cleansed skin. If he didn't know better, he could've sworn Light was wrapping his arms around him, the warmth radiating from his body lulling L into a restful sleep.

_“Make love to me,” soft lips whispered against his skin._

_L groaned as he twisted in his bed sheets. How could he refuse such a request? Fingers twisted in auburn hair as he felt the weight of his lover upon him. Even an eternity in heaven could not compare to a single night in the arms of his love. Nothing could compare to even a dream._

***

When L next woke, he touched his cheeks, unsurprised to feel them wet. He sighed and pulled himself from his bed to shuffle through his clothing. It didn't surprise him to feel Mello pushing forward, his curiosity about Light's letters causing him to want to front. “Let me at least have some coffee first,” L grumbled as he winced at the head ache coming on.

The pain didn't last and Mello quickly grabbed the letter addressed to him as he dashed out of his room and headed for the pantry, where the coffee was kept. He chugged it black as he tore open the envelope and pulled the neatly folded paper from it. Inside the letter was a rather flattering picture of Light's backside. Mello blushed madly and was suddenly thankful he was alone in the pantry. The letter itself was only two words; “I won't.” Mello smiled wide, knowing he'd make _excellent_ use of the picture Light so graciously provided.

After a quick refill of his coffee, Mello casually walked back to his room, making sure to lock the door before having a quick wank on the bed. He laid in his mess and glory, panting and sweaty and satisfied. “Thank you,” he whispered to the ceiling, kissing Light's picture before he placed it in his desk drawer.

Marie decided it was her turn to front, and as she came forward, she tsk'd at the despicable state of their room. “How do they live like this?” She quickly stood and made the bed. Then she grimaced as she tossed Mello’s used tissues away. After that, she discarded the opened envelopes into the waste bin, wondering why it was so difficult for the men to do it when they say right next to it.

She sat in the chair at the desk and unfolded her letter. _“Dear Marie, we don't know each other yet but I am looking forward to the day we do. You seem sensible and kind, and I am so glad the others have you. Thank you for talking to B, but please don't be too hard on him. I know he thought he was protecting Nate.”_

Marie smiled at the letter as it continued. _“Please help L understand I haven't abandoned him. I had to return to work in the States, but my door and heart are always open to all of you. With love, Light"_

“What a sweet, wonderful man. Let's hope B doesn't keep fucking it up,” she chastised as she felt B coming forward.

He wasted no time tearing keen his letter and hastily unfolding the paper. _“B, I want you to know I understand why you did what you did. I also feel I owe you an apology. I didn't realize you were there to protect Nate, and I had no idea how traumatized he really was. It must be so stressful to always keep your guard up, to always have to shield him from harm. I want to thank you for protecting him. I hope one day you see me as an asset, an ally who is part of your team. I want to share the burden of protecting the system with you. You shouldn't have to do it alone. With hope and love, Light.”_

“Well fuck,” B muttered. “He really _is_ amazing.” Not knowing what to do with his feelings, B pushed the letter aside and stood, pacing the floor. What would it be like to have someone help him? To have someone on his side? B didn't know who he was without a fight. That's what he was made for. _Maybe I was made for more.._

B stepped aside and Benjamin came forward, too excited about his package to wait any longer. He pulled the large package off the desk and sat on the floor with it as he tore it open. Inside the packing peanut filled box was a large, brown, red and white t-Rex. “Wow,” Benjamin said as he marveled at the detail, loving that the legs all moved and the jaw could open and shut. It was the biggest dinosaur he had ever played with, and he loved it. Inside the box was a little card that read, _“For the coolest dude I know! Love, Light"_

“Thanks, Light!” Benjamin said as he ran around the room, working on his fiercest roar.

After giving Ben roughly thirty minutes of play time, Near finally stepped forward. He'd fronted several times since being admitted, so he knew where he was and why. Setting the toy on the desk, he sat back down in his chair and opened the letter addressed to him.

_“Dear Nate, I know we don't know each other yet, but I'm hoping that changes soon. Even if you don't feel the same way about me that L does, I'm alright with that and would like to at least be friends, if you're willing. All of you have become important people in my life, and I would like to continue developing relationships with all of you, if possible. I look forward to hearing from you, Light.”_

Nate laid the letter flat on his desk and breathed out. He didn't like to front. It was difficult for him. He knew, however, that there was a chance his attempts to integrate could leave him as the dominant personality. Nate looked from the letter to his closed door, breathing deep. It was time, he figured. Time to go into the Day room and join group therapy. Time to start doing the work. It was time to start working toward integration, whatever that looked like.


	12. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little time has passed and both Light and Nate/L/ the alters are working hard on their self improvement. Are they ready to discuss meeting in person?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm extremely grateful for those of you who have enjoyed this work. It has been a much needed departure from my usual shenanigans and has been a tremendous help in processing my feelings. I want to thank everyone who has given me positive feedback and enjoyed this little ride so far. You guys are the best!

“Is there something wrong with me to still want to be with him after what he did to me?” Light asked the therapist sitting across from him. She was young but more than qualified for her job. “Part of me thought the physical distance would help me get over him. That with time, I could dive back into work and he would become a distant memory. But I dream of him, Doctor Nayak. I think about him to the point that it disrupts my work flow and I find I'm constantly distracted. It's not healthy.”

Dr. Nayak scribbled something on the pad of paper she kept upon her crossed legs. “It sounds like you're obsessed, which isn't uncommon for you, is it?”

“No, it's not. As you know, I struggle with work boundaries because I'll fixate,” he admitted. He'd been seeing Dr. Nayak for a long time about his issues.

“Do you feel like you need closure? That leaving while he was still in the hospital without having a conversation about where your relationship stands is what's causing this obsession, at least in part?”

“Maybe. But a large part of me doesn’t want to move on. I want to see this through. I want to know how he’s doing. I want to help.” Light clasped his hands together and looked down at the coffee table before him.

“Well,” Dr. Nayak said, looking up, “Then do that. See it through. Solve the puzzle, as it were.”

Light was silent for a moment as he considered her words. “I can't take any more time off work.”

“Invite him here for a long weekend over the upcoming holiday or something. You'll figure it out.” She smiled at him, pleased with his progress. He'd become more self aware since returning from England with a few new physical and emotional scars.

Light nodded, “Thank you. Maybe I will.” Light smiled, exuding charm and confidence but it was a façade and they both knew it. Inside he struggled with feeling afraid of L rejecting him or, worse, accepting the invite just to attack him again. Light pushed those thoughts and feelings aside and concentrated on the remainder of his session.

***

Watari stared at his sleeping son and sighed sadly. L was tangled in a scarf that Light had left behind, the scent of the man he loved long faded from its fabric. On the one hand he was proud of the progress all the alters made since leaving the hospital. There was communication between them where there hadn't been before, and Nate had started fronting regularly for the first time in years. He'd even started the difficult work of processing his trauma, which was something Watari honestly never thought he'd be able to do.

“Dad?” Nate rolled over and peered up through sleepy eyes at the man above him. “What's wrong?”

Only Nate called him dad. The others called him Watari. “Nothing, my boy. I didn't mean to wake you,” Watari said as he sat on the bed.

Nate sat up and pulled his father into a hug. “I love you dad. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through.”

“I love you too. No apologies needed, my boy. I would do it all again if it meant having the privilege to be your father.” Watari said as the embrace ended and they both sat up and looked at each other. “I'm very proud of the man that you've become.”

Nate smiled tearfully, “I'm proud of him too.”

Watari patted Nate's knee and stood. “Now go back to sleep. You've got therapy in the morning.”

“Goodnight dad!” Nate called cheerfully as Watari closed the door.

“Goodnight, Nate.”

Nate looked down at the scarf he'd been holding. He knew L ached to see Light again, but Nate didn't know how he felt about it. Nate knew he wasn't gay, but he couldn't say he was straight either. In a lot of ways, he didn't really hold sexual feelings at all toward anybody. He wondered if it was from the trauma, but he couldn't be sure. Somehow, that didn't seem like a good enough reason for him to deprive the others of love and friendship. He knew both L and Mello were romantically attracted to Light, and Ben saw him as a big brother. Marie was supportive of what the guys wanted, and B, believe it or not, had expressed a desire to apologize in person to Light for his behavior.

Before falling back asleep, Nate discussed the possibility of seeing Light again with his alters. It seemed that everyone had simply been waiting on _him._ “Oh,” Nate mumbled to himself sleepily. “In that case, we'll call him tomorrow and see.”

With that promise echoing in his mind, Nate found restful, peaceful sleep. It was better rest than he'd had in weeks, and if he had known letting his alters see Light again was going to make him feel this way he would've done it sooner.

The next morning brought with it sunshine, warmth, and one well rested Nate. He stretched and yawned, his white silk pajamas soft and comfortable against his skin. The scarf remained tangled around his wrist, and he undid it and left it on the bed. If things went well today, he wouldn't have to settle for sleeping with remnants.

Breakfast was over easy eggs with bacon and pancakes served with coffee and chocolate croissants. Watari smiled across the breakfast table at his adult son. He was so different now than even two short months ago. “What's on the agenda today?” Watari asked as he spread strawberry jam across his toast.

“We've decided to give Light a ring to see if he's willing to have company over the long weekend,” Nate said with certainty. There wasn't a hint of insecurity in his voice. He felt more than ready to face Light and see if they could salvage their relationship.

Watari nodded, “Very good.” He wondered if Nate would want him to come along. The old man lived for Nate and L and Marie and Mello and all the rest of them, but he felt it might be nice to stay behind. Some things a man just needed to do on his own.

Nate excused himself to make the call after breakfast, feeling good about himself. When it came to _making_ the actual phone call, Nate became too nervous and switched to L. L was still nervous to call but excited enough at the possibility of seeing Light again that he was undeterred. That is, until the phone started ringing. He paced the floor of his bedroom in a panic.

“For fuck’s sake, I'll do it,” Mello said with a roll of his eyes.

“Hello?” Light said when he answered.

“Hey Light, it's Mello,” he said casually, able to feel the other’s nerves in the background.

“Hey Mello! How's it going?” Light asked, delighted to hear from his friend and, for now at least, former lover. Since Light's last therapy session, they had kept in touch as much as possible. He texted or spoke over the phone daily with the alters, and they were all becoming fast friends. Even B had made a brief, apologetic appearance over the phone during a conversation with Marie.

“Good, actually. Look, I don't have long because ole Nate-o has therapy this morning. But I wanted to see if you were still open to us visiting you.”

Light felt his heart leap in his chest and his smile widened, “Yes! I would love that. There's a long holiday weekend coming up. Would you be able to fly in for that next week?”

Mello shrugged as though Light could see it, “Sure. Sounds good. I'll have Marie make all the arrangements when we get back.”

“Sounds good.”

“Hey, Light?”

“Yeah?”

“We love you.”

“I love you guys too. Good luck today.”

“Thanks.” Mello blushed a bit as he hung up the phone. There was a chaotic, unanimous cheer inside Mello's head. Any nervousness was replaced with excitement as Mello headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Things were looking up, and even though the trauma therapy could be difficult for everyone, it was proving to be worth it with how much more communication there was in the inner world.


	13. See You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light reunite after some time apart

Often times after therapy, Nate would be so emotional and drained that he'd hide away in his inner world for days. Typically L fronted during these times. He was the best pick, aside from maybe Marie, to run his daily life. L worked on his cases, checked in with the orphanage, and occasionally guest lectured at the school.

Marie meticulously packed their bags, making sure to accommodate everyone’s particular tastes in clothing and toiletries. She even packed Benjamin's favorite t-rex for him. With her hands on her hips, she surveyed the open suitcase on the bed and decided it was good enough. Satisfied, she zipped it closed and hoisted it off the bed.

“Are you totally sure you'll be fine without me?” Watari asked as he watched Marie lug the suitcase down the stairs.

“Yes dear, we’ll be perfectly fine,” she smiled at him and when she reached the base of the stairs, she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. “We'll see you in four days, Watari.”

“Good luck Marie,” he said as he held the door for her.

The driver helped hoist the heavy suitcase into the trunk of the car as Marie got in the back seat. Watari watched them pull down the drive, his heart full and yet worried. He was so happy to see his son independent and able to go after what he wanted. At the same time it was difficult letting go of being his constant caregiver all these years. Watari considered that perhaps it was time he cared for himself a bit more. Maybe he'd go fishing or take up golf.

***

Light was a wreck at the airport, pacing the floor as he nervously anticipated L's arrival. Or would it be Nate? Or one of the others? It didn't matter. To see those deep grey eyes again was all that mattered to Light. He tossed his empty coffee cup in the bin and looked at his shaking hands. Perhaps he could've done with a bit less caffeine that morning. Oh, well.

Then, as if by some sort of magic, L appeared in the terminal, suitcase wheeling behind him. Any jetlag he may have felt disappeared at the sight of Light. L grinned widely at Light and waved, the butterflies in his stomach doing somersaults.

“L?” Light cautiously asked as he took a few steps toward L, unsure but hopeful.

“Yes, it's me,” L said as he came to a stop before Light, drinking him in and wondering how it was that Light could seem even more beautiful to him than ever before.

Unable to contain himself, Light pulled L into a tight hug, pressing their bodies firmly together and tucking his face in the crook of L’s neck. “I've missed you so much!”

“I've missed you too,” L whispered into Light’s shoulder.

Their mouths found each other, and neither one cared if their love was on display inside the bustling airport. As far as they were concerned, they were the only two people in the universe who mattered in that moment. The only two who existed.

When their lips parted, it was with great reluctance. They held hands as their eyes closed and they pressed their foreheads together. Just a moment, that's all they needed. Just a moment to breathe each other in and make sure this was real.

“We should probably get going,” Light suggested as he pulled away from L, still holding onto his hand. “Do you need help with your luggage?”

“I've got it,” L said happily, feeling as though he were gliding through the air as he walked through the airport. It was hard to know if he'd ever been this happy before. It was even more difficult to imagine being happier.

They piled into Light’s bright red sedan and made their way out of the city. L was curious to know how the other half lived. He wanted to know how Light decorated and where he loved to eat and shop and what he liked to do in his down time. L wanted to know everything there was to know about the magnificent Light Yagami.

They pulled into an apartment community that was beautiful and appeared either new or incredibly well maintained. There were large apartments with two stories and a garage beneath and balconies and chimneys on each one. L knew this must be the expensive side of town. The parking lot was full of nice cars and L imagined even nicer cars were parked inside the garages. Side walks were lined by trees and bushes with flowers. Neighbors were jogging and walking their dogs and waving hello to each other. It seemed like a pleasant place to live and L marveled at it because it was so different from where he'd lived his whole life.

“We’re here,” Light announced as he pulled into his own garage, a single bulb on the ceiling offering dim lighting to guide them by.

They both exited the car and Light led the way into his home. Inside was much brighter despite no lights being on. The many windows allowed for the sunlight to brighten the whole place. Dark grey hard wood floors stretched throughout the entire first level, and the open foyer led to a large kitchen with granite counter tops and stainless steal appliances. All of Light's furniture was pristine and looked like it had jumped out of a magazine. “Your place is stunning,” L commented as he looked around.

“Thank you,” Light said as he entered the kitchen and opened his wine fridge. He was ever thankful he'd hired a house keeping service. “Wine?”

L nodded, “Please.”

“We can put your luggage away later. I'm sure you're famished. What would you like for dinner?” Light asked as he poured two glasses of wine and handed L one.

“Thank you,” L said as he accepted it. “I am very hungry. What's on the menu?”

Light rummaged through his fridge, “We can order delivery or settle for salmon and roasted veggies.”

“That sounds delicious,” L sidled up next to Light as he pulled things from the fridge. “I'm not great at cooking but I'd love to try helping you.”

“Alright. I'll have you chop the veggies.”

L nodded, fairly certain he could at least handle that. He silently thanked the others for giving him the evening to enjoy his time with Light. It was so nice to be uninterrupted, though he wondered if Mello would put up a fight to front once they made their way into the bedroom.

Light handed L a cutting board and a knife and left him to his own devices. L had vague memories of Watari teaching him how to cook as a child and he leaned on those lessons now. He and Light enjoyed each other's company as they prepared dinner, easily polishing off the bottle of wine between kisses and touches and a longing for more.


	14. Why, Hello Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L fronts during sex for the first time, but Mello isn't willing to let L have *all* the fun!

After dinner and another bottle of wine, both men were full and tired and a little bit drunk. That didn't dissuade them from freely groping each other as they made out on the couch. Innocent pillows fell to the floor, collateral damage to the heat and passion between the two men. Light climbed over L, sliding one hand up his shirt and reveling in the feel of his skin.

L moaned into the kiss, and slid his own hands down Light's back to find them settle inside the back pockets. He squeezed Light's firm ass, unable to help himself. Light giggled and broke the kiss, suddenly curious. “Are you still with me, L?”

“Yes. I'm not letting the others steal this from me,” L said, breathless as he took in all the love and want and need on Light's face.

“Good,” Light said as he plunged his mouth upon L’s again in another heated kiss. His hand made its way out of L’s shirt and began to unbutton his pants.

L shifted his hips, his hard cock throbbing for attention against his restrictive pants. He could feel Light's own hardness as well, and decided to return the favor of freeing Light from his clothed prison. Without being able to see what he was doing, his fingers fumbled a bit, causing them both to laugh into their kisses. Eventually L was able to free Light's cock from his pants, running his hand over Light's tented underwear.

Light did the same, teasing L by running his fingers over the seam of L’s underwear. Gently biting L’s lower lip, Light sat up and tugged on the underwear, L lifting his hips up to help things along. Light then pushed down his own underwear, and L’s eyes widened at the sight of the large cock before him.

“You look like you haven't seen it before,” Light giggled.

“I haven't,” L admitted, his eyes training up Light's golden body until they met Light's sultry glare.

“Oh, I guess that's true. Are you still comfortable moving forward?” Light asked as he slowly lowered himself back on top of L.

“Yes. Just go slow,” L whispered as he spread his legs and wrapped his arms around Light. He lost himself to the feeling of Light rubbing their erections together. All of the sensations were so new and intense, and L wasn't sure if Light realized this was the first time he'd ever had sex. He wasn't sure if he should tell him. Couldn't put the thoughts into words. All he could do was tilt his head back and gasp as his eyes closed and Light lined his throat with kisses. All he could do was dig his nails into Light's back and thrust his hips against Light as the intensity built. All he could do was lose his mind to the feel of a warm, hard body against his own as they frotted and rocked toward climax.

Light pushed his chest up and bit his own lip as he began thrusting faster. “Oh God, L. You feel amazing. I'm close. I'm close baby. Don't stop.”

L placed his hand over both their erections and gently squeezed them together as Light thrust his hips in quick succession. L’s thumb smeared the precome across both their sensitive tips, and he marveled at the way Light's face twisted in pleasure. Light's eyes closed and his breath quickened. His chin tilted up and his voice became husky as he cried out, “I'm Coming! I'm c- ah!”

Light's hips stuttered and L watched, fascinated as Light burst before him. White come creamed his fingers and splattered against his belly, the sight combined with the friction building in his fist sending him over the edge himself. L gasped, his vision blurring for a moment as he released his now over- stimulated cock.

Without hesitation, Light laid himself down in the warm, sticky mess and kissed L again. “Want to shower with me?”

L responded with a quick kiss to Light's nose and a nod. He silently thanked Mello for giving this to him. He knew that Mello would've seamlessly stepped in had he begun feeling uneasy and Light would've been none the wiser, but he didn't want that. He wanted the whole experience. He wanted to be present for every moment, every sensation, no matter how overwhelming. And as they got off the couch and made their way hand in hand to the shower he was glad he did. Sex was _wonderful_.

The steamy shower felt like it was melting his already taxed body, and L thought he'd shake apart under Light's touch. “Mello wants a turn. He's been patient,” L said, feeling the periphery of his vision swirl and blur as Mello made his desire known.

Light smirked devilishly, “I'm game for a second round,” he said, knowing Mello would like it rough, which excited him. Light didn't know L’s experience level and so had kept things gentle as possible. Mello, however, was the _devil_ in bed. And in showers.

“I'll be back later,” L said with a final kiss before Mello took over. Mello grabbed handfuls of Light’s ass and shoved his tongue in Light's mouth. Pulling away, he smiled wickedly, “I've missed you.”

“I've missed you too, Mel's.” Light said as he ran his fingers through soaking wet black hair.

Mello dropped to his knees and continued kneading Light's ass as he took the semi soft cock into his mouth and started sucking. It wouldn't take long for the blood to rush from Light's brain and body and straight to his cock. It made him dizzy, and Light shakily let out a breath as he leaned against the tile of the shower wall to stabilize himself.

One of Light's hands snaked into Mello’s hair and grabbed it tightly at the root the way he knew Mello loved. Mello took one hand and began stroking himself as he groaned and hummed at the delicious pain of Light pulling on his hair.

With the hand still on Light's ass, he pushed on him a little, encouraging Light to thrust. Light took the request for what it was, and began face fucking Mello. Light dug both hands into Mello's hair and squeezed tightly, his forehead resting against the cool tile as the shower water beat down against his back. He savagely fucked Mello's mouth, his ball sack beating against Mello's chin as he shoved his cock as deep down Mello's open, gagging throat as it would go. Mello choked and sputtered but never tried to pull away. He loved feeling like he was gasping for air, overwhelmed and oxygen deprived as the hard cock beat against the back of his throat and saliva dribbled down his chin.

Mello tried to scream as he orgasmed, the strangled noise vibrating against Light's swollen cock and sending him over the edge. Light pressed himself hard against Mello’s face, holding him there as he shot his load down Mello's throat.

Both men were shaking, Mello unable to stand as he leaned his back against the wall and wiped the dribble of come and drool from his face. Light had to hold himself up with both arms as he panted against the wall. The water began losing its heat, and Light fumbled with the handle as he turned the water off.

Mello looked up at Light lazily, smirking, “I need you to get it together because I have a strong desire to be savagely fucked in the ass tonight.”

Light laughed breathlessly. “Consider it done.” Light wondered if Nate would struggle to walk in the morning and whether or not he'd be too embarrassed to say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the mood for these two to have love and happiness. For now, at least 🤣.


	15. Alter, Alter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light spends a little time with each alter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN UPDATING. 
> 
> I'm currently obsessing over a new fic and got carried away. 
> 
> But here's a new chapter just for you guys!

Light stifled a giggle by sipping his coffee as he watched Nate rather poorly hide his discomfort. “I take it the guys had fun last night?” Nate asked as he took his seat across from Light.

A snicker escaped Light. It couldn't be helped. “I'm honestly surprised you're up. And able to walk.”

“It isn't without great difficulty,” Nate said with little emotion. He knew Mello was a whore. Waking up feeling this way was not new. Waking up in a somewhat familiar place, knowing who he had sex with the night before _was_ new, however. A large part of Nate was thankful for having developed a somewhat steady relationship with Light. Even if he had no attraction to the man, there was comfort in knowing he was with someone safe and familiar.

Nate took a long sip of coffee and sighed. “So, are you dating them?”

The question caught Light slightly off guard. “Uh, we uh, I- things just kind of happened last night. We haven't discussed it.”

“I see. Well, do you _want to?”_ Nate asked, mildly curious.

Light nodded, “I do. I want to be with both L and Mello. I have feelings for them both.”

“Well, I guess we should get to know each other if you're in a romantic relationship with two of my alters.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Light said. It was amazing how different Nate was from Mello and L. He sat similarly to L with his knees up, but he didn't wrap his arms around his knees like L did. He spoke slightly different too. He had less emotion in his voice, and more gravel. He often spoke low and softly while Mello and L did not. “Is it too forward to ask if you're straight, Nate?”

Nate smiled a bit at the opening question. It would certainly clear the air around whether they could wind up together. “I think I'm ace,” Nate said softly, “I don't ever feel romantically or sexually attracted to anyone. I do enjoy companionship, however. I do find I enjoy your company in particular.” Nate blushed at having admitted that and stared into his coffee.

Light smiled sweetly. “I enjoy your company too. And I'll always respect your boundaries, Nate. If you're not attracted to me, I understand. I would love for us to be friends.”

Nate nodded and a small smile crossed his lips. “I would like that too.”

The two of them played a game of twenty questions, laughing and swapping childhood tales as the morning wore on. At Light's suggestion, Near accepted the invitation to go for a short hike at a nearby nature preserve. Afterward, they ate lunch at one of Light's favorite Cafés before heading back to his apartment.

Benjamin wanted to watch cartoons when they got back. Ben dug his toy dinosaur out of the suitcase and grabbed the blanket hanging over the sofa. He crawled onto the sofa next to Light, casting the blanket over their laps. He snuggled into Light's side, Light's arm wrapping around him. It didn't take long for Benjamin to fall asleep while tucked cozily against Light. Light gently stroked his fingers through Ben’s hair as he watched him sleep.

Planting a kiss to Ben’s forehead, Light gently slid out from under him and placed a pillow under his head. He then tucked the blanket around him and shut off the TV. While Been slept with his t-rex, Light quietly stepped into the kitchen to prep for dinner. With a smile making its way across his face, Light daydreamed about what it might be like to live with Nate and his alters on a permanent basis. He wondered what it might be like trying to maintain a relationship with them all.

Watari texted Light to check in, and he happily let the man know his son was quietly napping. That seemed to be all Watari needed to know in order to feel contented. He asked that Light have Nate call him that evening and that was the end of the conversation.

A groggy, disheveled, dark haired L stepped into the kitchen and stretched, yawning, “What smells so good in here? “

“Stir fry,” Light said. “May I ask who's fronting?”

“Can't fool you, can I? I was hoping to pass for L. It's B,” he admitted with a smirk.

Immediately Light felt uncomfortable, but he tried to push those feelings down. B had made a lot of progress in therapy and they'd spoken over the phone and hashed things out. There was nothing to be afraid of. Still, Light couldn't help but feel unsteady. “Nope. No fooling me. I'm learning all of your tells.”

“Heh,” B said, giving Light space in the kitchen. He looked down and scratched his arm, “Are we good, Light? I realize we didn't get off on the right foot the first time we met.”

Light willed himself to relax. B was being honest and vulnerable, and Light decided he should be as well. “We will be. I'm still a bit nervous around you, but that'll get better with time.”

“I understand,” B gave an apologetic smile. “Need help?”

“Why don't you pour us some wine?” Light suggested as he stirred the food on the stove top.

“I can do that,” B said as he reached for the wine fridge door. He was determined to make things right between him and Light and redeem himself. It was important to him as well as the rest of the system. If Nate trusted Light, then so did he.

B handed Light a glass of wine and Light plated the food. They sat down at the table and enjoyed getting to know each other better. Light relaxed a lot more halfway through dinner, and by the time they finished the bottle of wine, he felt like he and B were finally friends.

B got up to open a second bottle of wine while Light cleared the table. When B brought the glass over to Light, he went to set it on the counter right as Light turned with the dishes toward him and the dishwasher. They both stepped back, surprised looks on their faces as they dodged the collision with each other.

“Sorry,” B apologized quickly.

“Don't be,” Light said, studying B’s face for a moment. Something in those dark, stormy eyes broke something in Light. They were full of pain and sadness, and yet were earnest and loving. Gone was the wayward B who attacked others and caused problems. “B…” Light whispered, his body unmoving as they continued to lock eyes.

B was the one to break the stare. “Um, here’s your wine.” He slid the glass over and looked down. Turning away from Light, he walked out of the kitchen.

 _What was that?_ Light couldn't help but feel like something more was going on beneath the surface with B. “Is evening okay B?”

“He's not here, dear. It's Marie,” a more feminine version of Nate's voice said as he approached, sipping the wine. “It's a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance.”

“Marie! So nice to finally meet you!” Light felt excited as he finished loading the dishwasher. He dried his hands and lifted his glass in a toast. “Here's to you.”


	16. The Final Straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light makes a rash decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take a moment to thank those of you who stood up for me in the face of adversity. Not everyone who comments is kind, and I know that by putting myself out there, I'm subjecting myself to possible criticism. It doesn't mean it hurts any less when someone is cruel or unfair. However, the wonderful silver lining of it all are those of you who came to bat for me when it happened. Thank you. You are all so wonderful and encouraging. This one's for you!

The holiday weekend came to a close all too soon, and L found himself kissing Light goodbye at the airport. Reluctant to pull away, he did everything he could to avoid walking away from Light. “We’ll see each other again soon, right?”

“I sure hope so. I hate being away from you,” Light admitted easily as he held onto L.

They parted ways and L was by his lonesome once again on his way to England. He stared out his window and wished the same wishes as always. The same wishes that went unfulfilled. The same wishes that made him feel even more alone.

***

Light stood in his quiet, lonely apartment and sighed. He already missed the many alters that had kept him on his toes and so entertained. He missed playing with Ben and watching cartoons. He missed making love to L and Mello. Missed chatting with Marie and becoming closer with B and Nate. He missed how loud or quiet they could be. How clean or messy.

Light wouldn't sleep as well without L in his bed. He'd become accustomed so quickly to his warmth, and the bed just felt so empty without him. So lonely. He closed his eyes but couldn't sleep. He made tea but it didn't help. Finally, in desperation he took a sleep aid and finally passed out.

The next morning would be full of tired, groggy regret as he pounded coffee and answered emails. His phone rang nonstop until noon when it died and needed to be charged while he ate lunch. The head ache that was his professional life seemed unending.

When his phone finally turned back on, he had thirteen voice-mails from his boss. _Thirteen._ They started off calm and quickly grew frantic as the day apparently caught fire and everything burned down. “Why is that guy such a basket case?” Light asked himself, feeling another head ache come on. Was it too early to go back to bed?

Light was about to call his boss back when he got a shitty email from him. It almost caused Light to throw his computer across the room, but then he realized he didn't really have a back up. “Is this guy serious?” Light read the email over and over, seething more and more each time. His fists balled and his nostrils flared. “You know what?! Fuck _this!”_

In all his righteous fury, Light hammered out a life altering email. It read:

_Dear Mr. Moto,_

_Please accept myL resignation, effective immediately._

  * _Light Yagami_



Without another thought about it, he hit the send button. Then Light stood, closed his laptop, and panicked. “Holy shit I quit my job. _I quit my job._ I just quit my fucking job!” He paced the floor, thinking out loud, “I have substantial savings. I don't need to work. I can take an early retirement if I budget well. Maybe I'll move. Live somewhere cheaper.”

Light grabbed his blaring phone from off his desk and shut it off. His now former boss was frantically trying to call him. “Not today, asshole. Not today and not _ever.”_

Light was so pumped and full of nervous excitement that he decided he needed an outlet. He changed clothes and went for a run to blow off some steam. He'd call L later. Maybe change his number. Maybe he'd disappear. Move to England. Marry L. He laughed at himself. _Ridiculous._ He wanted to be with L but he wasn't ready for a big step like that. At least now he was free to visit L whenever he wanted.

The side walk Light ran on ended and the path became a dirt one through the woods. Sunlight glimmered down between the trees to light his way and he felt something unfamiliar bubble in his belly. As he ran, for the first time since Light could remember, he was truly _happy._ He smiled as he leaned against a large, old tree to catch his breath. It became apparent to him that he'd been needing to quit his job for a very long time. It was making him miserable. The stress was simply too much. Far too much demand had been put on him for far too long. It felt so good to be free.

***

Back in England, Nate and the alters weren’t quite feeling the same. They missed Light terribly, and found it difficult to concentrate on work or anything really. Watari was keeping a close eye on Nate, who along with L and Mello seemed to be showing signs of depression once again.

The old man plated the muffin and coffee and set it before Nate at the breakfast table. “Do you think we need to talk to the doctor about a medication adjustment?”

Nate raised tired eyes to the old man, “I- no, dad. I'm, I'll be okay. Thanks.”

“You don't look okay,” Watari said as he sat across from his son and sipped his tea. “I'm worried about you.”

“You're always worried about me though,” Nate said, half hearted smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“This is true,” Watari conceded. “You should give Light a call today. Might make you feel better.”

“I will, thanks,” Nate picked at his muffin and sipped his coffee. His appetite had been terrible since his return home. The only one who seemed to be eating well was Ben. Even B seemed to be going through some kind of emotional turmoil, though he wasn't talking to anyone about it.

Marie was doing alright, but she found herself anxiously cleaning everything every time she fronted. She kept herself so busy that she simply forgot to eat on those days. Watari would fuss at her to slow down and take a break, but she was simply too wound up to do it.

Calling Light had been something Nate was dodging out of anxiety and fear. What if, now that they'd gone, Light decided he didn't like meeting all the alters after all? What if he changed his mind about being okay with just being friends with some of the alters? He had to admit it was a raw deal for Light. There would be many times he'd have to resist being affectionate or intimate because of who was fronting. Who would want to put up with that?

Nate’s phone buzzed on the table, pulling him from his thoughts. It was a text message from Light. Almost as though he could read Nate’s thoughts, it said, **I haven't heard back from you. Is everything okay? Did you get my message?**

Nate stared at his phone a moment. Relief washed over him as he read the message twice over. **I didn't. Somebody must've deleted it. I'm sorry for not reaching out sooner. – Nate**

It didn't take long to get a response. **Sounds like one of you is avoiding me lol. I would love to call if you're available. I have news. Good news.**

Nate didn't hesitate this time. He clicked on Light's contact and swiped right to call him. He let out a shaky breath as he held the phone to his ear, reminding himself that everything was fine.

“HI Nate! How are you?” Light said cheerfully as soon as he answered.

“Eh, okay I guess. I must admit we uh…I miss you. We all miss you.” Nate blushed at his own admission. He wasn't used to growing attached to others, but he was certainly attached to Light.

“I miss you too,” Light said. “I have news. I quit my job!”

Nate was shocked. “What? Really?”

“Yes! I very politely told my boss to stuff it. The guy was an unreasonable jerk.” Light explained how stressful his work situation had been and the email that led to his final decision. Nate was impressed. He would've quit too. “So anyway, now that I have some free time, I was wondering how you felt about me visiting before I started working again?”

“I would love that!”


	17. B Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and the system are back together.

It felt like only a few days went by and Light was back in England, in L’s arms where everything felt right again. They shared a sweet, lingering kiss at the airport, then headed back to L’s home hand in hand. The cottage felt so familiar to Light now, felt so much like home to him. He found he didn't want to leave.

“Have you thought about what you want to do next?” L asked as he helped Light bring his things upstairs.

“Not really. I've just been enjoying my freedom,” Light said as he unpacked his clothes and placed them in the closet he intended to share with L.

“Well,” L glanced at the floor as he tried to find the courage to make his suggestion. “I could certainly use your help. If you're interested, that is. You may not want to work with the person you're dating.”

Light was flattered and a bit surprised. “Work with or work _for?”_

“With. You'd be along side me. Not my subordinate.”

Light turned to L and wrapped him in a hug. “That would be amazing!” Light pulled away, star struck. “You know, it was an honor even meeting you. Then getting to date you has been mind blowing. But to work alongside the great L Lawliet? My head is spinning, L. This is beyond my wildest dreams.”

“So it's a yes then? “

“A thousand times over, yes.” Light kissed L in that moment, his hands reaching to pull L into him. His greedy hands slid down the curve of L’s back to find the round of his ass. He squeezed it as he walked forward, pushing L backwards onto the bed.

Light couldn't help but to thrust his hard on against L as he kissed him everywhere he could reach. His fingers tangled in dark, wild hair as he pushed his tongue inside L’s mouth. L moaned into the kiss, his body relaxing and legs opening of their own accord to welcome Light’s body heavily against his own.

L’s hands slid under Light’s shirt, moving up his back and gripping his shoulders. The feel of Light's weight on him was as comforting as it was a turn on. This was the only time his mind fell silent. The only time he had a moment truly to himself. Perhaps the others knew just how much he needed Light, or maybe they were simply singing in unison. Whatever was going on internally, it was magnified by the growing intensity of what was going on externally.

The words, “I love you, Light,” escaped him as he caught his breath between heated kisses.

Light beamed, “I love you too, L.”

The two men would succumb to their intense need for each other. Love making was something L was still new to, and yet he threw himself into it fully. Clothing found its way from bodies onto the floor below. Little moans and panting noises floated throughout the room. Sweat pooled and tears dripped as skin met skin in every conceivable place until the two were passed out in a tangle of sheets and limbs.

Nate was not embarrassed to wake up next to Light. No, what had been embarrassing was waking up in a college dorm not knowing where his clothes were. That particular walk of shame was one he’d love to forget. He was glad those days were behind Mello and that he seemed quite contented to settle down with Light.

So, Nate didn't mind when Light kissed his forehead and drew him back into his body to snuggle. He didn't mind that Light breathed him in and sleepily smacked his lips as he adjusted his position and fell back asleep. No, Nate decided. He'd never mind waking up next to Light as long as he lived because Light was safe and he made Nate feel loved. Even if he didn't return the romance, he still felt some kind of affection for Light. He missed Light when he was gone and enjoyed his company immensely. Nate wished he desired sex. He just didn't. It would be okay though because both Mello and L were head over heels for Light and that was enough. It had to be.

Nate melted into Light and fell back asleep against him. Even if Nate wasn't sexually attracted to him, the body was certainly physically attached. Nate figured that influenced at least some of his feelings but he didn't mind. Light was a good person to be stuck with. 

When they both next woke up, Nate or L or whoever he was, peered over at Light through thick dark bangs and said, “Hey there, sexy.”

Knowing only certain people would talk to him like that, Light quirked a brow and took an educated guess. “B?”

“Damn, you're good,” he said before stretching and yawning, his body sprawled out across Light. “I'm hungry.”

Light chuckled to himself. He really _was_ getting good at knowing who was fronting. “Me too. I just don't want to get up.”

“Me either,” B admitted, gaining an interesting look from Light. He didn't want to admit it, but he liked Light. His feelings felt confused and muddled, and he wasn't sure what all of it meant. All he knew for sure was that he was glad Light came back, and he was very happy to wake up in bed next to him.

“B?”

“Mm?”

“You know you're naked and on top of me, right?”

“I know.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“I am.”

“Just checking.” Light tentatively reached his hand into B’s hair, part of his palm against the man's face. He was happily surprised when B leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. “B?”

“Mm?”

“Can I kiss you?” Light asked, eyes soft and loving as he looked down at the man lying on his chest with his head in his hand.

B pulled himself up Light's body and pressed his lips to Light's in answer. It started off soft and sweet, nothing but warmth between them. The warmth grew, turning into a tingle of electricity pulsing through their bodies, and B opened his mouth a bit, just enough for Light to slide his tongue into B’s mouth. Gently, B sucked Light's tongue, the passion and need growing between them as they kissed.

Light noticed that B was a very different kisser from L and Mello. There was something soft and slow about him. He wasn't hesitant, just methodical and patient. Even his hands and body moved slowly over Light's as though the passion he had dripped out slowly as he went.

Their erections met between them, and B seemed in no hurry to climax. He continued in his sensuous kissing and moved his tongue to Light’s ear lobe, where he gently sucked on it. He delighted in the little moan and gasp that escaped Light. B then decided to trace kisses down his jaw and neck, stopping to tease his nipples and flick them with his tongue.

Light shuddered under the touch, arching his back and closing his eyes as he grabbed a fistful of sheets. B continued working over Light's body, grinding their erections rhythmically as he sucked and teased Light’s nipples. The lewd noises Light made encouraged B, and with one free hand he reached between them and squeezed Light's ball sack. The way Light trembled beneath him made him even more aroused, and he could feel his orgasm developing in his belly, begging to burst forward.

B sat up and began thrusting faster, holding their hard dicks together with his hand. Gone was the slow and steady lover of before. B was now almost reckless in his thrusts, his desire to come written all over his face.

“Don't stop, B. Don't stop,” Light repeated as he grabbed the other man's thighs and held on for dear life. “I'm gonna come. Don't stop!” Light arched his back and threw his head into the pillow as a screaming dizziness overtook him and he burst between B’s fingers. He hadn't been aware that he and B both had come at the exact same time, the mess they made a glorious one indeed.

B stopped thrusting and dropped his hand from their over stimulated cocks. He leaned back and tilted his head up to catch his breath. Sweat glistened off his pale body and Light watched as he towered over him, beautiful and messy.

“I didn't realize you liked me so much,” Light panted, a laugh in his smile.

B blushed and averted his eyes. “Yeah, well, I was horny and you were available…”

Light laughed out loud at that lie. “I'm sure this meant nothing to you.”

B looked at Light, his face twisted in thought. “It meant something,” he mumbled. “It meant a lot, actually.”

“Talk to me,” Light gently urged as he placed a hand on B’s hip.

“Just seeing how loving you are. How caring. Nate really trusts you. Feels really comfortable with you. We all like how good you are with Ben, as well. It's making me… well, it's making me want you, okay?” B couldn't look at Light when he said this. Somehow admitting his feelings was more difficult than being naked and covered in come.

Light sat up and turned B’s face to him by placing two fingers on his chin. He kissed B sweetly, then said, “I want you too.”

B raised his hands to tangle them in auburn hair as they kissed again. Shyly, B asked, “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Light had no idea B could be so damn cute. He snickered under his breath and pulled B into a hug. “I would be honored. Now, let's go clean up and eat something.”


	18. Mello's Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mello shocks Light with his request.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost 100 kudos!! That's so incredible! Thank you to everyone who has been enjoying this story. 🥰

The men settled into a routine nicely, with Light learning the trade and secrets of the famous L Lawliet. He noticed L switched more when under stress, like when a new case was bothering him or he hit dead ends. The switching wasn't always obvious, and the only alter not any good at detective work was Ben. Light always knew it was break time when he saw L googling dinosaurs on the internet instead of working.

Light had some discussions with L, B, and Mello about dating and boundaries. Light had a healthy sex drive but pleasing three people in one night was insanity. He also claimed not to be made of money and so spreading dates out would be necessary too. L rolled his eyes as Light hadn't even gotten his first paycheck yet and it was guaranteed to be for more than he'd ever made in his life.

For the sake of not being run ragged, however, they each got a weekend a month for dates and the weekends between were for resting and letting the others have a chance at cultivating a closer relationship with Light as well. Ben enjoyed the dinosaur exhibit at the local museum while Marie loved cooking dinner with Light. Nate was pretty low key and typically settled for a night in of board games or TV.

They’d been harmoniously working and living together for six months when Mello appeared at the breakfast table one morning while Light enjoyed his coffee. “Good morning,” Light said as he accepted the kiss he was offered.

Light could tell by the way they fixed their coffee who was fronting. Mello often opted for a generous amount of cream and chocolate syrup. “You’re up unusually early,” Light commented.

Mello sat next to him, glancing sheepishly over his coffee cup as he sipped. “I have… a request. I wanted to ask early so you had time to think on it and talk to the others.”

“Okay?” Initially Light thought it would be a sexual request, but having to include the others meant it was really important. “Lay it on me, Mel's.”

Mello breathed deep in preparation, then figured he'd better ask now or he might chicken out forever. “I want a baby.”

Light was shocked. It took him a solid minute to absorb what Mello said. “You?” Light asked, unbelieving. Mello was a free spirit. He was wild and immature and went wherever the wind blew him. He didn't settle down and have children. “You are Mello, right?”

Offended, Mello frowned. “Yes! And I'm capable of wanting _things._ Adult things!”

“Apparently you are,” Light smiled. “I take it you've not spoken to the others about this?”

“They don't listen to me. But they listen to you.”

“I see,” Light set his cup on the table and leaned forward, still in shock. “Mello, a baby is a huge commitment.”

“I know.”

“We’re not even married yet…”

“Yet?”

Light blushed. “This isn't the way I wanted to ask, but, yes. It's been on my mind lately.”

“Oh wow,” it was Mello's turn to be surprised. “We don't have to be married to adopt a baby though, right? We can do that any time, right?”

Light, Being somewhat traditional at heart, really wanted certain things in order first. “Technically no, we don't. But I would like to be. I would like to bring a baby into a household with a strong marriage first.”

“So wait. Is that a yes? That's a yes!” Mello smiled wide and would've jumped up from his chair had he not thought it would spoil his coffee.

Light placed his hand on Mello's knee, “It’s a tentative yes. The others have to agree. And I have to marry one of you…” Light wondered legally if that would be Nate. They'd get it sorted out.

“If anyone can convince them, it's you!” Mello said as he leaned in for a quick kiss.

With that, Mello stood from the table, all but skipping to the kitchen for a coffee refill. Light watched on, amused. Mello sure was something else. He had never expected the guy to come out of left field with such a request. Light supposed it did make sense in some ways because Mello really enjoyed spending his spare time volunteering at the orphanage. If Light couldn't find Nate or L, he typically found Mello helping with the kids somehow. It was a very endearing quality of his, and unusual to boot. Nobody expected the crazy, care free alter to love kids so much. Yet for some reason he did.

Light wanted to make this happen for them both. He'd always imagined having a family one day, and despite Nate’s condition, he'd make a great father. All of the alters would be great, save Ben, who could be a big brother. It seemed like he had several conversations to have throughout the day, and Light decided to put on a second pot of coffee in preparation.

“Ready to head to the office?” L asked in his usual _I am not a morning person_ tone.

“Yeah, I just wanted more coffee,” Light said as he stood with L in the kitchen. “Hey L?”

“Mm?”

“Mello asked if we could adopt a baby.”

L raised an eye brow as he sipped his brew. “Seems he's growing up. Wow. What did you tell him?”

“That I had to talk to the system first and that I wanted to be married first as well.”

L was even more curious now. “Married?”

“Would you uh, do me the honor? I wish it was more romantic than this but given the circumstances…” Light blushed a bit, wishing he'd planned things out a bit better.

“Light, I-" L didn't know what to say. He never imagined he'd find someone to love him like this, let alone want to marry him. It wasn't something he'd ever considered. Marriage and babies and raising a family is what other people did. Now that it was standing in front of him, however, he had to decide if he wanted it too. “I love you, but marriage is something that has never crossed my mind. Can I think about it? This is a lot to take in before 8 in the morning.”

Light nodded, thinking that was fair. “I love you too. Take all the time you need.”

***

Over the next few days, Light managed to speak to everyone. Ben was on board with being a big brother, Marie loved both the idea of marriage and a baby, and shockingly enough B was interested more in adopting a baby than anything else once it was brought up. Nate was the final piece to the puzzle. Sort of. He still needed an answer from L. “Well?” Light asked at the dinner table.

“Legally you would be marrying me,” Nate said as he cut a piece of his steak. “I’m the only one of us with a birth certificate and driver’s license.”

“I understand,” Light had had a feeling this would be the snag in his machine. Nate didn't love him like the others did.

“Having said that, I do love you, Light. I realize my lacking sexual desire makes it seem like I only want to be friends, but I see you as much more than that,” Nate explained. “I wake up naked in bed next to you all the time and I don't say that it's me because I like the cuddling. I like being with you. I like the way you hold me.”

Light had no idea about any of this. He'd always assumed if Nate woke up to him that he'd say something or roll away. Light was more than prepared to respect any boundaries Nate had. To know that Nate had willingly snuggled with him and kissed him while they were naked in the bed was huge. “Why didn't you say anything before?”

Nate shrugged. “I didn't want you to change how you treated me. I didn't think you'd hold me like that if you knew it was me.”

Light supposed that might've been true. He viewed his relationship with Nate as strictly platonic. Apparently though, Nate didn't view things that way at all. “So where does this leave us with the question of marriage?”

Nate looked up from his meal, grey eyes soft and loving, “Looks like we are getting married and having a baby.”

Light beamed, knowing what he had to do next. L was the final piece to this puzzle, and Light knew just how to get him to say yes. 


	19. Light Has a Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light gets sick while planning his proposal

The plan was going to be perfect if Light had his way. A beautiful, romantic dinner set in the picturesque garden behind the mansion was what Light had spoken to Watari about. The old man had a grounds keeper string up a canopy of lights to help set the mood. Light ordered several candles that were sure to help set the ambiance he was going for. He also had two custom silver rings made and had, “I love all of you with all of me,” engraved inside of the one for L.

There was just one tiny snag. Light woke up with the most terrible stuffy nose and fever not two days before their big date. Light groaned as he rolled over in bed and reached for the box of tissues on his nightstand. “My head feels like it's going to explode.”

L sat up in bed and placed a hand on Light's forehead. “You're burning up. I'll call the doctor. Do you want some advil?”

“Please,” Light said stuffily.

L wasted no time getting on the phone as he searched the kitchen medicine cabinet. Internally, several voices were popping up along what was wrong. “Shush! I can't concentrate!” L said out loud, only to realize they're was someone on the other end of the phone. “Oh. Not you. I'm sorry.”

Once the medicine kicked in, Light figured a hot shower would help clear his sinuses. He stood with his face in the hot stream of water, relaxing and enjoying it. He didn't have the energy to actuality wash himself, however, and after standing there for a good fifteen minutes he cut the water off and stepped out. Light dried himself off but didn't bother with putting his pajamas back on. Instead, he slipped back beneath the cozy comforter and promptly fell back asleep.

Sweetly, L checked on him every hour or so. He refreshed Light's water and kept medicine and snacks on his bedside table. He felt Light's forehead as he slept, noticing he was clammy but no longer hot with fever.

When the doctor arrived, L reluctantly woke Light up. After a short examination, Light was diagnosed with a sinus infection and given a prescription for antibiotics. The doctor assured Light that he'd feel better within the next couple of days.

The doctor left and Light frowned. “We have to postpone our special date.”

L slid in to bed next to Light and kissed his temple. “I know you were planning to propose to me. Light, you don't need some grand gesture. My answer is yes.”

“Are you sure? Because I ordered this delicious looking custard layer cake just for you, “ Light explained.

L licked his lips. “You what now?”

“We’re also having strawberry mousse. Dinner was just going to be a bunch of different desserts.”

“You better be better by date night because that sounds amazing,” L said, practically salivating at the thought.

Light laughed a bit as he adjusted his position in the bed. L laid down next to him and Light pulled him into his body. “I guess this means we're engaged now?”

L frowned. “I know you're technically marrying Nate. I just really wish it was me.”

Light kissed him and brushed his fingers through his hair. “It _is_ you, though. It’s always been you.”

L blinked and smiled softly as Light continued. “I fell for you the moment we met, L. I loved you first. Wanted you first. I love the others too but you- you are where it started with me, and you are where it ends.”

L blinked away the tears he didn't want Light to see as he snuggled against his chest. L didn't really like sharing Light. He didn't like splitting up their time together. It felt unfair in many ways. He'd found Light first, after all. Normal couples didn't have to divvy up their time so why did he?

Knowing the way Light felt about him helped ease those woes, however. It helped to know that L was the first in Light's mind. That he was the one Light first fell in love with. If forced to choose between them all as separate people, L felt confident Light would choose him every time.

Light was feeling a bit better by the time their special date rolled around, but he still wasn't doing great. So, they decided to eat all the yummy desserts Light had ordered in bed while binging movies. It was the least romantic way to get engaged that Light could ever imagine, and yet it was all too perfect.

Casually, Light slid the silver rings on he and L’s fingers, sealing the deal with a kiss. The bed was littered with wrappers and they were sick from eating too much sugar, but they were happy. They fell asleep next to each other, a bit of cream smeared on L’s cheek and crumbs on his pillow. The TV still carried on in the background.

When he woke up, Nate felt the metal around his finger and looked at his hand. A smile snuck across his face as he admired it. So they were really doing this, Nate thought. He stared at Light as he slept, that perfect, beautiful face so angelic in the dim light. Falling in love was a strange thing, he thought. They all seemed to feel so strongly and yet differently about Light. He was the only alter who was in love with him without sexual attraction, and he knew in the beginning that confused Light. It confused Nate too if he was being honest.

Marie and Ben loved Light like a brother, so those relationships were a good way to give Light a break from how needy B and Mello could be. L and Nate were less needy, but still demanded his time, attention and affection.

Nate wondered how a baby would fit into the dynamic. He wondered how difficult it would be. Would he be able to get the whole system on board with a regular care routine? Maybe if they had daily check lists they could keep on top of things. And if they hired a nanny. A nanny was a great idea. Nate decided he'd run that by Light later, once they were both fully awake. Right now, however, Nate found himself nuzzling Light, sinking his own body against the comfort he’d come to depend on so much for nightmare free sleep. He breathed in Light's earthy scent and closed his eyes, welcoming the peaceful sleep beckoning to him.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I am open to and welcome feedback. My only request is that I not be told my portrayal of DID is inaccurate. This is my interpretation of my experiences with it, and everyone experiences life and mental illness a little differently.


End file.
